Once Within A December

"Living life
Working hard
Things I'll always remember.
Vacation time
Far away
Once within a December..."

Winter wonderland at work, or palm trees of the Caribbean.
Icy rain or sunlit sky.
Thick frosty gloves, or a gentle tan.
Fur lined hood, or a wrap concealing a swimsuit.
Clunky boots, or bare feet on the beach.
Frostbitten nose, or laughter from the sea lion show.
Christmas carols, or - well, I couldn't escape from those.
Serving others, or being served.
Scraping windshields, or learning the Tango.
Selling meringue, or dancing Merengue.
Asking method of payment, or asking for a No-jito.
Drinking hot coco, or eating exotic fruits (and watermelon).
Helping customers, or playing trivia and bingo.
Curling up under blankets, or stretching out in a hammock.

"I simply remember my favorite things..."

Both choices are fun for me.
I enjoy vacation. I enjoy my work.
Life is what it is. Take it and run with it.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Giving Thanks

     On a day where most people think about family reunions and eating way too much dinner, I'm sitting at home thinking about all the things I have to thanks-give for.

     I have a big home and lots of stuff - a big TV, a computer or laptop in nearly every room, several game consoles, a wall covered in DVD's and Xbox games, craft stuff spread throughout my room, enough books to make a small library, and drawers and drawers of good clothes. I have a great family - a dad I respect and trust, a mom I look up to and admire, a brother that still seeks my help and keeps me strong and on my toes. No sisters, but I make up for that by surrounding myself with fantastic coworkers and friends. I love an amazing Christian man (he may or may not love me back but you know, if I knew he loved me I might fall into the temptation of calling my life just short of perfection). I live in a pretty decent neighborhood. I love my job and the places I work. I have plenty of delicious food (too much occasionally) every day. I have pets that entertain me. I have time to make and create and write.

     Yes, I don't just have a good life. Even if you were to take it all away and force me to start all over again, I would still call myself one of the most blessed of people on Earth.

     Why?
     Because given me are riches far beyond anything on Earth that cannot be taken from me.
     Because given me is a Forgiveness and a Healing from my mistakes, stupid moments, and outright pain and lies I intentionally inflicted on others.
     Because given me is a Love greater than all the love my friends and family can give me combined.

     I will give thanks to Jesus Christ for all the blessings in my life until its end.

my pain is for you

Why should I care?
I mess up. I make mistakes.
My life is too crazy, too busy, to think about anyone but myself.
Why should I care about you and your life and your problems?
I have enough of my own.
But still I care.
Still I take the time to help out.
Still I look around the world I live in -
and see the hurt.
I see the pain.
The struggle.
And I forget my problems.
I forget my own worries for the moment.
And think about you.
Why do you cry?
Why is your heart broken?
Your life a wreck?
And I think about others.
Why does he delve in drugs and drink?
Why is she so horrible to everyone else?
Why is there a little kid sitting in the alley?
Why is your life a wreck?
Along with so many.
Overwhelmed by the sight,
I am not even aware of "my own little world" anymore.
I reach out.
Will you take my hand?
You see the pain in my eyes?
It is not for me,
it is for you.
If only I could take your pain away.
And make it my own.
If only I could carry your burden.
Carry your cross.
If only I could keep you from suffering.
My pain is for you.
All of you.
The whole world.
Yet I am not even big enough to take care of my own problems.
What am I to do?
I want to love the whole world.
To heal it with just a touch of my hand.
Yet even my own heart is not free of breaking.
What do I do?
Just ignore you?
Try to fix myself?
Look for a fellow human to lean on?
No.
He has his own problems too.
Where do I turn,
but back to the One that made me care.
The one who made me want to help you.
The only one that can help you.
The one that said,
"I care. And I can heal the world. My pain is for you."
The only one that was more than human.
The Beloved of God.
Greater than the angels.
Born among us.
Jesus.
The pain He faced was for you.

Frozen Flower

Frozen flower.

Alone in the snow.

You grew the same time the others did,

yet now you choose to bloom?

Frozen flower.

While they are dead you still stand.

Can you feel the cold?

Do you know it’s Winter?

How long will you stand?

Frozen flower.

Even your time must end.

Do you await the Sun?

Do you hold a secret?

Frozen flower.

You have died.

But what is this?

A new flower arises

in the spring.

Many flowers.

Frozen flower.

You gave us strength.

Fairness

     What is it with people and fairness? It seems sometimes that everybody is so persnickety about making everything "fair." For example, my brother - as of today in his mid-teens - still raises complaints against things when they aren't fair. When the family has a treat during a meal (like cinnamon rolls or biscuits) he insists on everybody getting a chance to have the same amount as everyone else (if they want less - all the more for him - that's the part that makes me laugh). Or when someone forgets to do a chore and he gets made to do it he makes a fuss about it not being his chore.
     But it's not just my brother. A family I know, one of the parents won't let any kid get a piece of candy unless all the other kids (big family) get one. The parent insists upon them getting equal slices of apple, cake, cheese, etc. even if one or two don't want any. I may be exaggerating here, but that's the impression I got being around this particular family.
     And then there's the government. Need I say that Socialism is being pushed? Hasn't anyone learned? Anybody read their history anymore? Socialism is just a step away from Communism. And Communism, well...I'll just say it: didn't work out so well in Russia and China when it was in force. They still have problems on occasion. Don't get offended at me if you disagree. I'm just saying. When people say that education, healthcare, and housing should be across the board so that everybody gets a fair shot at life - that absolutely everybody has a right to have these things - aren't sticking with the truth about fairness. I'll explain in a moment.
     In the Preamble of the Constitution of the USA there are these words: "We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights: that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Mark this last bit: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Nowhere does it say education, housing, and the pursuit of healthcare. Nowhere. And there's a reason for that.
     Unalienable rights. Life: to live. To have a chance. No one should be allowed to end your life or make it miserable through torture or theft without justice. Liberty: freedom. The chance to go on your own and make a living. No one should be allowed to force you to work for them without wage or tradeoff. No one should be allowed to force you to work and abuse you while you work or punish you for poor work without reason. Pursuit of happiness: chasing dreams. To follow your desire for a good and happy life. To reach for what you wish for - without endangering anyone else's life while you're at it. No one should tell you that you can't do this or that without giving you a chance to work hard and try to grasp the star you're after.
     These things are rights. Good, true, and beautiful. Now let's look at the other three that many people push.
     Education: knowledge and strength of the mind. It is noble to want to know about life and everything about it and our world. It is noble to seek good education and shun stupidity. It is good to teach your children everything you know - everything they can absorb. But not all people can become Einstein. Not all people have minds fit for "higher knowledge." But only each person can decide his or her own limit. I know. I did high school. All of it. I graduated. And now I have a bunch of information I learned that I never needed to know for the life I live. I am a "well-rounded" individual. And I'm okay with that. But don't make me pay for more education. If I want more I'll pay for it when I go to get said information in college. But don't make me pay for everybody else's if they're not working for the money to pay for it. If I chose to give help, okay, but otherwise I will pay for mine and mine alone.
     Housing: a roof over your head and a place to sleep. It is noble to try to get a home of your own. That's what my parents did. They saved up their hard-earned money to buy a good home before having kids. But a home costs money. A place to sleep costs money. Why do you think there are hotels? Why do you think charities run shelters for people who've lost their homes? Why do you think orphanages ask for donations and payment for adoption so they can keep letting those who've never had a home in? And some people like the street life. I've met quite a few people like that. They like being dependent upon the generosity of others instead of working for a home. A home costs money. I'm working hard to have a home of my own one day. Don't make me pay for someone else who has never worked a day in his life to have one too. If I chose to help out at the shelter, okay, but if I have to earn my home, let me earn mine and mine alone.
     Healthcare: taking care of the health of the body. It is noble to seek the body's wellbeing. It is a good idea to seek out the more knowledgeable in matters of health when you're sick or hurt. But if someone offers to help you, shouldn't you offer something in return? That is the basis of the medical world. Pursuing the knowledge of health and healing for the body and being paid for the service. But what if there is someone who is desperately sick and cannot pay? There are people who will give. Willingly. No one I know likes to watch anybody else suffer. I know people who volunteer at make-shift hospitals and doctors who travel to poor countries to help the sick and dying at their own cost. But no one should force anyone to pay for another's wellness. I will give to help someone, but don't compromise my ability to pay for my own large doctor bills so that someone else can go to the doctor to be told they have a cold.
     So are these rights? Not at all. They are hard-earned privileges. Or gifts to others from the privileged and better-off. I know, I know. Everybody's hero is Robin Hood. The legendary outlaw who robbed from the rich (even a prince stand-in for the king of that age) to give to the poor. But you see, everybody's got it wrong. Does a greedy prince's over-taxing of the peasants (a government form of theft) justify another man's theft from him? No. Stealing is stealing. Taking without permission or trade is stealing. So how does one stop the greed of the wealthy prince? Trade and profit. From ancient history to now there were three main ways to get rich - through violence (theft), inheritance, or trade. There are many examples of in the Industrial Age (and even today) men rose to wealth, fame, and power through hard work. Some started ground zero: no education, no home, and especially no healthcare. And became millionaires and billionaires simply by putting one foot in front of the other - working their way through the ranks of society. They had life and liberty. And they took the pursuit of happiness into their own hands and gave it up for a long time to get it for themselves and for others. And they made a difference in the world.
     You see, when the right people - the hard workers - have, they will give. Don't take it from them. Let them give on their own. A gift grudgingly given is no gift at all.
     Here's the truth about fairness: Life isn't fair. Bam. I said it. Hurt your feelings, didn't it? You want me to share what's been given me? Okay, fine. It wasn't mine in the first place. I was given a gift I shall give another in return or a gift to others. You want me to share what I spent years of work to get? Nope. Not even funny. That's how it works. And then someone with the same story - years of hard work - gets wasted. Everything he had - gone. Down the drain. Everything taken from him.  That person I will help. Life wasn't fair to him. But no one helps you out so why help him? It's fair. So I will stand against the "fairness" of others of keeping things to themselves and help this person out. There is one word for that. Grace. That is the real Robin Hood of this world. That is the real mentality of the giver and the hero:
     Fairness is not a part of life. So let me not be fair - let me help you at my own expense. Willingly. It is a gift.
     Gifts aren't fair. A gift is more than fair. Take it.
     Today wasn't fair. So what will you do about tomorrow? Take it and run with it.
     Life isn't fair.
     But it is a gift. What will you do with it?

A Piece of Advice for Fellow Writers

Poetry? Latin? Code?...Or Insanity?

Gnoid m’i tahw wonk t’nod i.

Em reah uoy nac?

Rorrim eht ni kcuts m’i.

Dnim ruoy fo rorrim eht.

Deb ruoy rednu gnidih eno eht m’i.

Smaerd ruoy ni llewd i.

Evila i ma?

Laer i ma?

I ma tahw?

Uoy ma i.

Em reah uoy nac?

Eciov ym dreah reven ev’uoy teb i.

Em sah retirw yreve tey.

Netsil ot nrael.

Em morf tifeneb dna.

Rorrim eht ni kool,

Licnep a pu dloh dna…

won dna…

WRITE!!! WRITE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!!

The Child is a Warrior

Sparkling eyes, shining hair
A smile from ear to ear
A giggle, then a laugh
Playful and full of youth
So childlike in demeanor
So naïve and innocent.
A young woman that could charm the world if she realized herself.
She did not ever ask to be loved
She never asked for friends
She is satisfied with life
Takes things as they come
Not easily angered, not easily broken
Sings in the morning, dances in the evening
Goes to work and works hard
Performs to the best if her ability.
She has friends on every side - even in the unlikeliest of places.
Everyone around her would protect her if she knew danger.
She is a princess of the common
Trusting and loyal
Eager to help
Recognizes her faults and weaknesses
Admits her mistakes.
You could say that she loves the whole world
Embraces it as a child.
Would you have her as a friend?
Would you love her as family?
She would of you, though she has been betrayed.
She would of you, though she has been broken.
She would of you, though she has been hurt.
That is her strength.
She comes back, healed,
Even after many have taken advantage of her apparent naiveté.
But would you know
She sees the evils of the world.
She has felt the poison.
She has tasted sin.
And loves you the same.
That is her power.
That is her glory.
That is her crown on this earth.
She carries within her the child-innocence.
And the knowledge of good and evil.
Admits where she came from.
Her evil beginnings.
Then tells you of the redemption.
The Love that set her free
And fills her to this day.
She is a woman without. A child within.
But the child is a warrior.

A warrior of the love of the Light.
A warrior of the King of Kings.
A warrior of prayer and testimony.
A warrior of The First Lover.
A warrior of Jesus.

Twelve Months

January - the month of our new year.
     A month of new beginnings. Impulsiveness and snow.

February – the month of routine.
     A month of getting into the grind, and yet spring is coming. Love and first flowers.

March – the month of youth.

     A month of rebellion and loss of trust. But spring is finally here.

April – the month of laughter.

     A month of taxes and roses. Irony and wisdom.

May – the month of truth.

     A month of spring breaks and graduations. Change of pace and life.

June – the month of fluidity.

     A month of water-fights and vacations. Hard work and travel.

July – the month of independence.

     A month of hot days and short nights. Speed-driving and occupation.

August – the month of restart.

     A month of more school and career choice. Hot weather and shopping.

September – the month of uneasiness.

     A month of fairs and the circus. Masks, games, war, and unpredictable weather.

October – the month of harvest.

     A month of pumpkins and warm colors. Festivals and enjoyment of life.

November – the month of preparation.

     A month of rain and frost. Saving money, investing in talents.

December – the month of Presence.

     A month of apple cider and popcorn. Cold death outside and Hope in A New Life.

You're More Important

You're More Important
A poem for a friend

If you ever need a hand to hold
A voice of encouragement
Or someone silent to let you mourn
Just say my name - look me in the eye.
If you ever need help to work something out
A voice of reason
Or someone silent to let you be you
I'm just a call away.
I will serve gladly as a friend in God.
We share the same love.
The love that says others first.
I'd sacrifice everything for you
Give up my happiness for yours
Give up my life so your special someone goes on living,
Forget the time of day to answer your questions
Help you carry loads and finish tasks
Cheer you on to achieve and become greater.
You are the friend I can always count on
The one I've always admired.
It's a mentality - here I am
Because you're more important than me.

There's been a misunderstanding between you and me
Rumors going around - the way I feel about you
And not a word what you think of me.
For a while I proclaimed the rumor and denied the lie
But in truth it's really neither one
I'm not crushing nor see you as just a friend
What's really there is better than you know.
I've been reading my heart
Checking it twice.
No obsession but you're in my prayers
There's no denial that I care.
I've been wishing you success
And hoping you're never sick or hurt
I kiss you as a brother
Love you as a best friend would.
And if you find that special someone
Instead of choosing me
Don't you know that I'll be
The first to send my congrats
And give you the support you need
Because you're more important than me.

Can I make it any clearer?
Must I say it? Yes. I love you.
Is that so hard to understand?
It shouldn't make you uneasy.
There is always someone who makes a way for us
There is a higher devotion
There is a Rock so strong it can't break
There is a Word so sacred it can't be spoken
A higher, greater love.
To look on the other as better.
To see beyond the body to the center.
To deny chemistry to touch the heart.
To reach past the material to the soul,
Offer the love that is overflowing yet not even mine.
Because my sin is washed away
Because I am forgiven
Because I am healed
Because I was first loved
Loved by a Love that died and said to the whole world -
Because you're more important to Me.

Alien Journial - Who Nose

     I have decided that the nose is the ugliest part of the human body. A floppy protrusion of cartilage right in the middle of the face. And then when I heard that the human nose never stops growing even as people get old, I couldn't help but cringe. What a visual. Most people's noses are too big for them to start with!

     Also, some are crooked, some are blobby, some bulge out, some are greasy, and some get warts on them. Did you ever notice that if someone gets a zit on his nose, you find yourself looking at it more than you would if it was on the side of the face? And some men get hair growing out of their noses! No, I don't mean a mustache. I mean dark hairs that look almost like a mess of eyelashes growing out of the inside of the nose. One man I know trims his quite often. Gross.

     And then there's mothers telling their children to blow their noses instead of pick them. Why do noses get boogers anyway? Are they somehow connected to burgers? And then when someone gets sick, it's either a runny nose or a stuffed up one. And bloody noses are common too. So many problems with having a nose!

     Hair, mucus, blood, sneezing, sensitivity, bad smells, allergies, connection to the eyes, ears, and throat - and some people wish he could change his nose with somebody else's nose? Really? The only redeeming quality about having a nose is that it would be next to impossible to breathe without one. And breathing is kind of important.

     And there's a lot of jokes out there about the nose. Maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. Who nose?

A. L. Yan

Supernatural

     Supernatural. A vaguely specific term. Soul, spirits, the dead, forces, invisible powers, miracles, ghosts, angels, demons, God, gods, visions, fortunetelling, tarot cards, incantations, afterlife, prayer, sins, rituals. These things are, or tied to, supernatural. Most dictionaries define it as not physical. Something to do with something there yet not there. Invisible power affecting everything around us. Unexplainable by natural law or phenomena. Out there. Alien. Unearthly.
     Almost everyone believes in some form of supernatural. Many believe in God or pray to another deity. Psychic mediums claim to speak to the dead. Thousands of stories and people claim places - homes, ships, lands - to be haunted by ghosts.
     There are millions of examples of miracles across the globe. Religions explain them. Scientists study them, hoping to see if there is truly divine intervention. If the supernatural is really there. That in the end can it be proven?
     Countless ghost stories and horror movies desensitize children and adults alike to the "inner feeling" of evil powers in the world that are beyond our control. Ancient myth and superstition taught that some garlic and a crucifix kept vampires and demons away. That crossing yourself and spitting on the ground protected you from all sorts of things. The jack-o'-lantern was originally intended to ward off the spirits of the dead. Hallowe'en is a huge holiday in America. But at the end of the day, most people don't give a second thought to anything but their physical day-to-day survival and pleasures.
     For those of you who have read my previous posts, this will surprise you. But I say this: there is no supernatural.
     Let me explain.
     Whenever you put "super" in front of a word it means you found something "above or beyond" the original. But my beef is that angels and demons are natural. (We could argue about them being normal: standard, common, average, and discuss super-normal vis-à-vis abnormal but what about natural?)
     There's quite a few angels and demons. Very busy beings. As they have been for a while. Being a person who believes that there is a God who created everything on this planet, I also believe He created very powerful beings to be His messengers - and some of them rebelled so He punished them by kicking them out of heaven - to "down here." Some call them demons. I prefer the term evil spirits. Demon has become a word of yesteryear. It means all kinds of things nowadays.
     Anyway, they have become the norm down here. They're all over the place causing trouble. How do we know? Now this is really going to cook your noodle. Forget for the moment I said that they're not supernatural. What is associated with supernatural? Seeing something that others don't. Feeling something there when no one else seems bothered by it. Hearing voices. Always (it seems), when dealing with the supernatural, those "in tune" with or in the presence of said spirits, one or more of the five senses is heightened (to become what some people call sixth sense, though I'm not sure I buy that story).
     People claim to see ghosts, have visions, dream dreams with meaning or telling the future in them. This is probably the most common. There are countless examples and documentaries and shows about ghosts and ghost stories. But anyone can pretend to see something and quite a few drugs can cause hallucinations.
     People claim to hear voices. Dead loved ones, spirits talking to them and telling them what to do. Or God speaking to believers. One example is Joan of Arc. A heroine who believed that a group of voices led her to lead the war. To tell you the truth I don't know what to think about that one. God does indeed speak to some people directly, but again a lot of people have claimed to hear divine words across the centuries.
     People claim to feel when a presence is in the room, to sense things of the spirit world. There are several religions that have unique people who "can" do this. Lucas Film's Star Wars had something called "the Force." Again, it could be argued that people lie about what they feel or are drug-induced. But I'm not going to argue over cases either.
     Sense of smell? I've heard of dogs following the scent of ghosts, and I know this is one fellow who had unusual reactions to different people (he claimed he was sensitive to poor hygiene) but (pardon the pun) it smelled fishy to me.
     Taste? This is the rarest one. I've had to this day not found one example of a person claiming to taste something of the supernatural.
     But for me personally, it's none of the senses. It's emotion. When I'm in God's presence, I have immense joy and peace. I want to laugh and dance and sing and sit quietly and dizzily happy all at once. I can't describe it. It's beautiful. But when there is evil working on someone I know or trying to get at me and God is warning me - I have this feeling of dread. Not anger or hurt and not exactly fear either. Dread is about the only word that can describe it.
     Call them what you will - evil spirits or demons - they are here. God made them but they chose the wrong way to go. They are natural. It is natural to feel temptation. It is natural to deal with the problems of good and evil. And evil spirits like the two extremes - to be obsessed with them and witchcraft and death or to deny their presence completely. Yes they are powerful and we cannot stand against them alone. But God is more powerful. He made them and gave them power in the first place. In the end He will end their freedom on Earth. He is above them.
     I guess I just refuted myself. I just said there is nothing supernatural. Then I said demons are natural. And God is above them. So God is Supernatural. The One who made "natural" what it is. Now that's a supernatural idea isn't it?

The Lost Letters of Annabelle: Seventh Letter

June 4, 1813

Dear Kitty,
     I know you have pressed me on and on to tell you more of Matthias. You complain every time I write and fail to mention him. To tell you the truth Kitty, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about him. I have tried to forget him, but the harder I try the more he comes to mind. Yes sister there was not a happy ending. I shall explain in a moment.
     In the market, in the square, and in the papers I manage to catch little things about him from others. The news trickles in and how my heart beats in different times! My emotions - since the event that lost him from me - for the longest time have been in disarray. That is one of the reasons why I did not tell you anymore of him for a while. I could not understand my own feelings and thoughts, let alone voice them.
     I have felt them all Kitty. First the feeling of betrayal - oh how I abhor this emotion! - the pain inside was enough to kill one. And sorrow is an illness that robs the body of want to live. Anger is a poison to the soul - it stole my heart out from under me, and yet made my mind all the clearer in intellect.
     Darling Kitty I mentioned Matthias not because every time someone spoke of him or I thought of him I battled a monster within. All I wanted was him. I always got everything I ever wanted or knew to be content without it. Not with him. I wanted him. So terribly. I want him still. And the knowledge that I must not, can not have him fills me with such selfish pain. My flesh screams out for an embrace that must never come. I must never give in.
     I played with fire. It was warm, it was bright, it was exciting. But if I let myself too close, I will burn to ash.
     And yet I praise God. This is the peak of learning who I am. What I am capable of. Where there is weakness on my life. If I had learned of womanly lust as an older woman, independent and without guiding parents and loving cousins and sister, I might have been persuaded to take the wrong path. The hand of mighty God has held me back, has taught me of strength as this young age to face my life with my head held high because I have denied the flesh. And as long as I cling to the Almighty I will remain victorious over all desires.
     Yes, Kitty. Matthias is gone. Tension arose between myself and Mother and Father. And Matthias would wait no longer for me. He found another woman. He has moved on. And he is happy. Lord be praised, for I could not bear it if he was unhappy because of me. Has Matthias forgotten me? I do not doubt it. But I am pleased for that. Let there be no unhappy memories. I am hurt. It was to be expected.
     I am to blame for all this. But I do not regret it. Is it wrong for me to think this? We ought to say so. And yet, had I not made that "wrong choice" to encourage Matthias' affections in the first place, would I not still be as naïve of such matters of relationships as I had been? Yes. Though ignorance and naiveté be a blissful state. You and Mother and Father and Aunt tell me of the world outside that I had been so carefully guarded from and only told about. And yet I stepped outside.
     You know me Kitty. It is so unlike me to do such a thing as to be involved with a heathen man. And that is putting it delicately. If Mother and Father tell anyone of my falling in love with Matthias, my reputation shall be in ruins, for everyone would assume that I had gone the whole way - committed an unpardonable act of today's society. You know what I speak of Kitty. You know I have not done it. Though in my monstrous state I spoke of I almost wished it.
     Though no one is happy the way things are now, now that I know that this - though perhaps not the best way - is what is meant to happen. Things had to take their due course. Praise God. I am whole again. I am well. I have learned of life. Though this was a hard lesson to learn, this is the better path.
     God watched over me. I have grown again. I am at peace once more.

My love,
Annabelle

The Lost Letters of Annabelle: Sixth Letter

April 16, 1813.

Dearest Kitty,
     Joy of all happy moments! What a man, what a man Matthias! He tells me we are just friends, and what does he do but the next week appear again to dazzle this girl with his handsome face and mannerisms! To leave the shop and walk among the gardens again. I admit it Kitty, I was so infatuated with him because of his surprise affection that I took his hand as we walked. I am embarrassed to speak of it now of course, but foolish as I was I had no thought of who might be watching as we went along.
     Oh Kitty I must be in love. How else to explain my behavior? My listening to him speak, holding his warm and gentle hand - a little bony too, but are not most hands? - just absorbing all of him with me eyes. Oh Kitty Kitty what has happened to me? I am in ecstasy.
     Am I like a pup with an adopted mother to think this way? All day long I think of him. Matthias. Oh how I long to call him mine. Might it happen one day? Oh that such a man might one day call me his woman?
     And then I think of what you would say to me. I know my dear. I am a foolish woman. Oh you would not say that, of course. But it is foolish of me to hope to ever love this man. And what if Mother and Father find out? It would all be doomed. But don't you see Kitty? That's the excitement of it! It is my big secret. The worry of being found out mixes with my happiness every time someone speaks his name. Oh the emotions of my day swing so!
     Not to mention that it all has happened so fast! To think, that only a few short months ago we had met! I know, I know Kitty. There are no faeri stories in life. Eventually I will be found out. But still! The excitement! The thrill! These are days I shall never forget, though they fly by.
     And who knows? I just might get that happy ending. I do not see it, not with the trouble I would be in, how that could at all be possible. I walk the edge of a knife. And still I battle myself how I am to win his soul. But oh the pure pleasure to receive attentions from this man. Things cannot go on like this forever, I know. But how I wish they would.

Annabelle

Alien Journial - Stupid Is...

     Evolution, evolution, evolution. What are these humans thinking? Don't they realize that they were plopped on this on purpose? If they do, they refuse to believe it. They think that they were smart enough to mutate faster and better then everything else.

     If anything, humans are de-evolving. What with all this "smart" technology, humans get stupider every generation. Nobody knows how to fend for himself anymore. Or as somebody in a movie - I think his name's Forest Gump - said, "stupid is as stupid does."

     Man oh man, humans are stupid I tell you. On those little packets of nuts on their aeroplanes the tiny print says Warning: contains nuts. And that big can of nuts in the grocery store warns that it was processed in a factory that handles nuts. You would think that humans would know that without having to be told! And what is it with a lot of people being allergic to nuts anyway?

     Then there's American TV. It's full of reality shows and comedy shows and movies where people talk and act with minimum intelligence and logic.

     Top that off with the decaying grammar of the English language and "texting." You know, before there were voice recorders, if someone wanted to remember everything someone said, there was this thing called "shorthand:" basically a bunch of squiggles and humps and lines representing whole words and phrases. Now, everything's digital and we have texting and something called "twitter."

     One example that I find funny and yet peculiar is LOL. Everyone tells me it stands for Laugh Out Loud. Someone else told me is means Lots Of Love. But my favorite one is the one my mother told me: Little Old Lady. I love to LOL about LOL antics of the LOL. LOL!

     So there.

A. L. Yan

Alien Journial - First Entry

     Well, here I am. On Earth. Placed here until my time. I shall explore this world and record my observances. I shall call this my Journial. It is a journal of my journey.

     Humans. Homo sapiens. They call themselves such funny names. They've lived on this planet thousands of years - like, six thousand nine hundred and sixty-three or something like that. Not nearly as long as they think they have been, but a decent amount of time anyway. I'm not sure I was told the exact age of this beautiful place - or if I was told I forgot. Never been good with my schooling.

     But these humans tell me they've been around for millions of years. Don't they realize that everything would be long gone and destroyed if it took that long for them to be here? They're so strange. They base everything around time and their "years" around the star they call the sun and their "dating" methods. And yet they don't understand that in the end it doesn't matter? That everyone is only given so much time to live? That instead of arguing about how old the earth is or how old such-an-such (isn't that a great phrase?) person has to be considered as an adult, each one should be focused on using the life he has to fulfill his purpose.

     But that's another thing. So many humans can't figure out their purpose or don't even bother to find out because they don't want to know. I shouldn't nag. Even I still wonder what I am doing here. Can't I just go home?

     But no, I am here. I should make the most of my time - learn as much as I can about the human race and maybe I'll learn my place in this world at the same time.

     I think that it will be hard though. There are so many unspoken rules of etiquette. I'm going to make mistakes eventually. What will they think of me? I know I appear human. In many instances, I am; well, sort of anyway. Will they understand if I tell them? No. They'll just think I'm crazy. But that would be true too.

     I laugh as I write this. Why am I so worried about getting it right? I'm not perfect. I know, I know. I'm afraid that I will mess up so bad that I'll have to face the consequences.

     Oh dear. And living here without quite knowing what I'm supposed to be doing is hard enough. And then you add the complicated social behavior of the different societies on top of that...it's enough to cook a brain.

A. L. Yan

Son of the Ex-Wife (a poem)

Ever since she came, nothing's been the same.

Father spends all his time with her
instead of me.
even when i'm in the room,
it's like i'm not there
a servant that doesn't have to obey
except to leave.
i must only speak when i'm spoken to,
and that never happens.
i'm a shadow on the wall.
i mean nothing anymore.
doesn't he remember that i'm his son?
the firstborn?
or am i just a blot of existence?
like the kitchen maid?
if i leave would he come find me?
or would he even notice?
he used to favor my company
when mother was gone.
now he forgets me.
now that she has replaced Mother.

Ever since she came, nothing's been the same.

all these parties and i'm never invited anymore.
just sent to my room.
Father used to be my tutor
now it's horsemaster jenkins.
Father was my best frined
now it's my manservant john.
where is the man that i adored?
the man who cared for me?
if only i were a servant,
things would be easier to bear.
at least then i would have an excuse
for being a shadow.
at least then
i never would have felt this way.
Father said he would teach me
about dancing with the girls.
i think he's forgotten.
i'm so lonely without him.
i miss him.
john says not to be jealous of her.
i'm not.
i just want Father back.
even if she stays.
i like her.
she just stole Father from me.

Ever since she came, nothing's been the same.

The Search For Superman

     There is someone I know who is a huge Superman fan. I mean, this guy is completely obsessed. I won't go into detail. I don't know why he's so obsessed. Maybe I should ask him.
     Meanwhile, I will conjecture. If you've been reading my previous blog posts, you would have known this was coming. I am psycho-analytical: I have to study life and behavior and thought-processes of people to understand and decide for myself about it later by pondering it for a while.
     Anyway, about Superman. An alien, hiding on Earth as a human. This "man" happens to have a bunch of superhuman powers: x-ray vision, strength, flight, and a couple more that I can't remember. He's tall, good-looking, and has a moral standard that most tall handsome men don't have. Seems like a perfect man and then some. What's not to love?
     I can understand fangirls going bonkers over a chance to have someone like that. But why would a guy admire Superman? Because he can never measure up? Because he wishes he were just like Superman? Because he thinks the world needs that kind of hero?
     You know, all those questions are linked. Those three mentalities all occur because of an absence - a loss of a loved one, or an appendage, or suffering from PTSD, or a dramatic change in atmosphere at work or in the home. Usually something has to leave the individual with a sense of loss or confusion. He or she is no longer sure what to do.
     That's on the extreme edge. It does not have to be as strong. It could be something as simple as the child momentarily feeling that the parents or "father-figure" in his life is not always there for him. Or the wife temporarily out-of-sorts because her husband is not being the man he's supposed to be. So they turn to comic books and superhero movies for someone to admire and look up to.
     What I find interesting is that everyone goes through this at some point in their life and at varying degrees. And some people go through it numerous times.
     This is not a new thing. Psychiatrists make loads of money off this. Psychologists spend their entire careers studying this. Everybody's just got a big hole in their heart and people journey the world trying to fill it.
     Some people try to fill it with alcohol - trying to drown pains, troubles and problems away.
     Some people try to fill it with drugs - trying to forget it all and "have a good time."
     Some people try to fill it with money - from get-rich-quick schemes to being a proud CEO of a big business to gambling.
     Some people try to fill it with another person - seeking relationship after relationship because the last one didn't work.
     Some try to fill it by seeing the world - traveling everywhere to satisfy the restlessness.
     Some try to fill it by being the best - pop stars, Olympic competitors, artists, musicians, world leaders.
     Some people try to fill it with friends - parties, social gatherings, social networking (texting, Facebook, twitter, etc.).
     Some people try to fill it with religion - most people will claim one or another. Most will say that they (at least) believe in God (or a higher power as I once heard someone say).
     Some people try to fill it by staying busy - taking an extra job even though the money's not needed, going to college again, volunteering themselves at every event and charity in town.
     Some try to fill it with heroes - having favorite movies, music groups, and people (real or fictional) they admire.
     Searching for Superman. We are all searching for a Superman of sorts. We are all looking for something to fill that space in our hearts - or something to distract us from it.
     We need something greater than ourselves. Something big enough to fill that hole in our hearts to overflowing. We pursue dreams. We pursue happiness. To stand with purpose, and not know what that purpose is? Torture. So we chase the winds. We search for Superman. But humans have been around for thousands of years. Where was Superman?
     The word "superman" has the root word supere in it, which means "above/beyond." So a super-man is a man above men - something beyond men and all the schemes of mankind - something that we seek and cling to in times of trouble and crisis and doubts. We search for Superman.
     September 10, 2001. Normal day, normal lives, normal problems. The very next day, the whole world was in a state of shock as the Twin Towers in New York collapsed. People who had lived their entire lives searching for Superman began to pray fervently as the crash occurred and as the building fell in fire and dust. Lives were changed forever. Many died. The tragedy rocked the United States to the core. People had thought they were safe. But in that point in time, they stopped their search for Superman. And cried out to the real hero. One greater than men. One who rescued lives and hearts that day. In a terrible time, we see and know clearly the thing we all search for. But our problem is, once saved, once recued, we forget our rescuer because we thought it was someone else.
     The real Superman doesn't wear red and blue tights and fly around the world and catch bullets and falling girls. The real Superman is not Kryptonite allergenic. The real Superman is not this drop-dead handsome dude. Superman isn't even his name. The real Superman saved lives. And they didn't even know it. No, I take that back. They did know it but refused to understand and accept it.
     Because we don't want it. How ironic. We spend our entire lives searching for him and when he reveals himself we refuse to believe.
     It's easier to believe in a physical Superman that was born on another world and hides among us and has superhuman powers than to believe in a spiritual super-Man that was born here and changes hearts and causes miracles.
     It's easier to watch Superman than to read what I have just said and am about to say.
     There is only one Super Man. I speak with him every day. He loves me. And I worship him. He saved my life.
     His name is Jesus.



     John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."



     Don't scoff. Read the Bible. Start with the part that's titled John. Read it. Over and over again until you understand it. Then move on to the rest of the Bible. There is a superMan. And one day, we will fly too. You think I'm crazy? Then don't believe me. Believe what the Bible says.

I Want To Be...

I want to be a Deborah
     and lead when called upon.
I want to be a Hannah
     and dedicate what is given me.
I want to be a Gomer
     and return to the Forgiver.
I want to be a Mary
     and accept the Lord's decree.

I want to be a Rebekah
     and be chosen by God.
I want to be a Ziporah
     and to endure criticism.
I want to be a Ruth
     and blossom among strangers.
I want to be a Naomi
     and aid those who need.

I want to be a Martha
     and to be corrected.
I want to be a Priscilla
     and share in the ministry.
I want to be a Nympha
     and to be hospitable.
I want to be an Esther
     and do what is right.

I want to be a Queen of Sheba
     and seek out the wise.
I want to be an Elizabeth
     and be honored by a special visit.
I want to be an Anna
     and behold a miracle.
I want to be a Magdalene
     and be truly rescued.

But most of all...

I want to be me
     and find God's purpose for me.
I want to be me
     and learn His Plan.
I want to be me
     and never leave His side.
I want to be me
     and become all the good things of the women of the past.

I want to be a woman after God's own heart
With my own place and purpose in this world.
I want to be the me that God means for me to be
With my life's path leading to where I'm supposed to go...

I want to be the me that God sees.

What Is A Dragon? (a poem)

What is a dragon?
Is he a serpent with claws
and a gargoyle face
on a Chinese banner?
Is he a terrible monster
slain in his nest
hunted by Beowulf?

What is a dragon?
Is it a feathered creature
or one of telepathic mind
in the tale of Eragon?
Is it only a myth and legend
only a dinosaur -
its children on the isle of Komodo?

What is a dragon?
Is he one of many
one of a vast army
of countless species and names?
Is he alone
one of a dying race
hunted, rare, beautiful?

What is a dragon?
Is he sometimes evil
a youth's nightmare,
breathing fire in your dreams?
Is he sometimes good
kneeling to let you up,
as the cavalry of the sky?

What is a dragon?
Does he have bright scales
with reptilian eyes
and the largest claws in the world?
Is he the heart of a man
one who is bold
a great leader among men?

What is a dragon?
Myth or real all agree
the dragon was feared -
few challenge his might and power.
But what is a dragon?
Symbol of strength and fire -
fearless and proud, king of reptiles.

What is a dragon?
I am a dragon.

What to Write?

     I have been asked to keep writing. However, I find myself unable to do so. Have I lost my spark? No. Am I bored? No. Then where has my brain gone? I dunno.
     Perhaps it is because I'm not that opinionated of a person. I'm not a Rush Limbaugh or a Glenn Beck. I don't get so fed up about politics that I just have to speak out about it. Maybe I should.
     When it comes to relationships though, I have opinion. I have stories. I have analyses and beliefs. Theories and assumptions abound inside my head. I am a people person. Let me talk about people and their problems. And people will read it. They do. What do you think you're doing right now? I'm laughing as I write this. I'm a die-hard romantic myself. My favorite story in the Old Testament is the story of Hosea and Gomer. My favorite chick-flick is tied between You've Got Mail and Kate and Leopold. My favorite play is Cyrano de Bergerac. And yet I hate Romeo and Juliet or any story with a similar plotline. Ironic right?
     I know, I know. I could go on talking forever about romance and familial lifestyles. I could write books and books about people problems and what I thought was the psychology behind it. I could make a living off of it. Countless others have done it, so why not me?
     Maybe it's because I'm discovering my own "people problems". That everybody - including me - has to go through it. Everybody's got to grow up sometime. I'm not unique in that matter. I once thought that I was above it. That I already understood. I considered myself precocious. Yeah. Right. How wrong I was.
     I'll admit it. I learned a lesson the hard way. I shouldn't even say that. I thought I had learned it, then I went out and made it worse. Talk about stupid. And I had thought that I "knew this stuff". That I was too good to mess up. That I understood what it meant to be grown up. Let me repeat the age-old saying. Pride goes before a fall.
     That's right peoples. It was as simple as that, and yet infinitely complicated at the same time. I had gotten myself tangled in my own web of deceit. I even believed I was above saving. Man oh man did I learn a lesson. What's humiliating about it is that I thought I had already learned that lesson.
     To say one thing, and then to go out and do the opposite. It's called hypocrisy. "Do as I say not as I do." Politicians do it a lot. Parents do it sometimes. And I, well, I hit it on the nail...
     Ouch.
     Yeah. Growing up is hard. Painful. Humiliating. Hard. I tell you once, I tell you again. Kids, don't spend your days dreaming about Neverland. Adults, don't look down on those of us who are slow to learn. We try. I try. Really. It's just the same ol' lesson that everybody's gotta learn eventually. It's a lesson written over and over again in history. Can't you just lighten up for one moment?
     Easing off, you know what I mean? Some people learn faster than others. It's easy to say you won't do something. Then some trigger comes along and you find yourself doing precisely what you never imagined yourself doing. Regrets? Yes. Big ones? Yes. Lesson learned? I...um...I learned that lesson too. Never assume you know. I hope that I learned it this time.
     Hey, what do you know? I got talking again. It didn't take much apparently. Just let me rattle on and this is what you get. My thanks. To those of you who continue to push me to write more. And to those of you reading this. When I have something to say, I can write. When I know that there's someone who will read it, and possibly take home to mind and to heart what I have to say, it is a joy to write. Thank you. Thank you for giving me focus. Thank you for impatiently waiting for me to write again. I needed that.

Silver Line

What If Money Grew On Trees

(Economics In a Nutshell)

     The United States Mint is printing out more and more dollars. Stacks and stacks of those fibrous green things that everybody wants. Yet our economy is low. People don't have enough money to be prosperous, let alone pay all the bills. Huh? Where's all the money?
     Truth is, it's still there. And there's more and more of it everyday. Then why aren't business making enough money to raise salaries for their workers? Politicians will tell you it's because customers don't have enough money to spend it willy-nilly. They have bills to pay too. But that's circular reasoning. Where do you think the customers get their money? From working at another business (or getting government subsidies or food stamps but that's a discussion for another day).
     You see, the problem is all-encompassing. But a good chunk of it has been an ever growing problem since the 1960's. (Why the '60's? Because that's when the last of the silver coins and certificates went out of circulation.) The beginning of the money problem (not the people problem - which is also for another discussion) was when the Silver Certificates (one dollar that could be traded for an ounce of silver) were replaced with the Federal Reserve Notes (what we call dollars today). Why were they replaced? Because the government had printed too many. The Reserve did not have enough gold and silver to back the certificates if everybody suddenly decided to trade in their dollars for the silver they represented. The government had made too many IOU's. The government was in debt and needed more money. But the solution they chose was no solution at all. They put out the Federal Reserve Notes to replace the certificates and printed even more of them.
     Stupid idea. Why? Because of the fact that there is only so much gold and silver in the world and because gold and silver are precious metals, they will never lose their value. Dollars, on the other hand, are not precious. They do not even carry the promise of receiving that valuable gold or silver anymore. They have lost value. And the more and more there are, the more and more it takes to buy something.
     So. The problem is not about workers, customers, businesses. The problem is the fancy word of inflation. Too much currency in the system. Inflation is not rising prices or more expensive items. Inflation causes rising prices. The items we buy and sell have not lost value, the paper we use to purchase them has.

     Every year, the oak trees grow their acorns. If the old acorns did not grow into new trees or decompose, there would be more and more acorns every year. The squirrel community would get fat and lazy from all those extra acorns they would eat. But what if the squirrels used them for currency? What if they traded acorns for other things? Well, if the acorns died every year like they do, the acorns would be valuable because there would only be so many every year. But if the acorns were preserved somehow, then inflation would begin. There would be more and more acorns. The squirrels would feel very rich indeed. They would spend more. And spend more. But eventually the not-so-rich squirrels and the squirrel business owners would see this and raise the prices on things. The rich squirrels are willing to spend more so why not get more? But the wealth is an illusion. There are more acorns now. They're not worth as much anymore.
     But the acorns will just keep coming right? The trees will continue to "print" more. Hmm, sounds familiar. That's right: the U.S. printing presses and the Federal Reserve Notes. The bunches of government acorns. What do you know, money does grow on trees.
     You don't have to be an economist to understand this: if you have a lot of something (and I mean A LOT), it's not as valuable as when you only have a little of it. That goes for anything - collectibles, gold, other precious metals (silver, uranium, etc.), precious stones, old books, artifacts, acorns...
     So why doesn't the government stop printing money? Isn't that easy enough? Not exactly. Every time the government cuts it off, businesses and people no longer get their subsidies and food stamps and handouts. The "flow" of money stops coming from the government and flows only from the markets. People "have to get that dough" elsewhere. Stocks plummet. Businesses fire workers. Why? To get that cash they have because the money is no longer "building." Money becomes harder to get, more valuable, more precious.

     But isn't that what we want? Yes. But when the government is willing to pay for it by making more money...well, some people (individuals, businesses, corporations) had developed the habit of spending. Yet now with the inflation halted, they have to correct that habit. So they cut salaries, jobs, the TV he wanted, those shoes she liked, etc. When this happens, it is called a recession - or a depression - depending on how soon people start complaining to the government and it starts printing money again.
     Perhaps we can learn from the truth about acorns. They don't last. They decompose and get replaced the next year. Eventually the inflation, recession, inflation, recession circle will get worse enough that something is going to bust. We will face a depression again. But what we choose to do will affect everything. Either the re-inflation will become so bad that it takes a million dollars to buy a loaf of bread and the whole country will turn on its head and we'll have a revolution. (I'm sure that's a few years away, but such things have happened rapidly in other countries before.) Or we tighten our belts during the depression and watch our acorns, er, dollars and we'll come out okay if the government does not inflate again.
     But the country has a lot of whiners. If we're going to get through this, some of us have to tell the government NO MORE PRINTING MONEY more loudly than the whiners crying GIVE ME MORE.
     You know, it just might be time to observe the natural order of things and go back to gold and silver currency. Or maybe acorns.

La Ma Sabach Thani

La Ma Sabach Thani;
The Cry of the Son

Where are you?
Why have you left me alone?
La ma sabach thani?
(Why have You forsaken me?)
I groan
I cry
I bleed
Let me be saved
Don't let me die
Take this cup from me
La ma sabach thani?
Where is my comfort?
Come, my God, come.
Do not despise me
La ma sabach thani?
They call for me to die
They call for my blood
They mock me
They mock Your Name
I am pierced
I am a worm, no more a man
I am bleeding
La ma sabach thani?
My breath is taken from me.
I thirst.
And am given vinegar.
Why do you not answer?
My strength, where have you gone?
Eli, Eli
La ma sabach thani
La ma sabach thani?

(My God, My God,
why have You forsaken Me?)

A Lover's Lament

I'm standing on this bridge alone. You walked away.
But I should have known you would.
I hurt you.
So why should you stay?
You were waiting for me. You wanted me to be your one and only.
I wanted it too.
I was in love with you.
But I loved another.
My first love.
A greater love. A perfect love.
A love that held me back. Told me I wasn't ready.
Told me that love is stronger than passion.
Told me that passion was all I had for you.
I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to listen.
You loved me. I wanted you.
We were perfect for each other.
You were waiting for me.
I was broken inside.
And still I turned away.
The perfect chance and I trashed it. My thorns had left you hurt.
I couldn't bear it.
But it was the choice I made. And I couldn't take it back.
I was being saved for later.
My first love was holding me back. Keeping me ready for another of His choice.
The one to handle thorny me was yet to come.
But I wanted you.
But I could only say no to my own wants. And not to the Keeper of my heart.
I hurt you.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I know saying this doesn't change anything but...
I'm sorry.

The Lost Letters of Annabelle: Fifth Letter

April 2, 1813

My dear Kitty,
     My premonition has come to pass. What I felt would happen, what I should have expected, has occurred at last. But before I tell you what has happened, I ought to say that I have not told you everything. I have been horrible to you. To everyone. I continued to speak with Matthias, telling no one, not even you. Forgive me Kitty, but I felt so strongly for him that I could not stop. I feel guilty about it now, but it felt right then.
     When I first met my secret Mr. Antony, I knew from that very moment that anything between us could not last. I do not know how I knew this, but I did, and I ignored it. I was so infatuated with my suitor that I threw away all caution. I thank the Heavenly Father above that he is a good man or else I might have come to dreadful harm. But it was all too good to be true. We felt too strongly for each other.
     Matthias asked me if I wished us to be together. For one long blissful moment I almost did it. I almost followed my yearnings. I almost said that I wanted him and him alone. But I did not. I could not. I had given my heart to God and He reminded me of one thing: that I was Christian and Matthias was not. That even if we were together in this life, what of the next? My conscience fought with my longing heart. Remember that passage about a woman being married to an unbeliever? That her righteousness would sanctify him? The thought had crossed my mind. But the Scriptures also say that it is better not to marry. I knew my passion, and I knew I could love him completely if I chose, but what if I could not save him? What then? Would it all be a waste of time then?
     When Christ returns all evil things will be thrown into Hell. All evil will be destroyed. Even the very memory of it will be wiped clean. Which means that those not saved, those destroyed for their sins, will be remembered no more. And I could not bear the thought of being with Matthias only for this short life. Even if I were to make beautiful memories with him, would they not be lost? Yes. Forever. To gain, only to lose forever? I could not do it.
     I told him this. I told him how much I was in love with him, but I could not, I would not have him only to lose him. He was hurt. Oh Kitty, how he hurt. He must have thought that I was the one for him, and I had turned him down. The silence almost killed me. I was in tears and he said nothing. He said nothing for so long. Then he started saying things about if it is the way I feel and that we disagree about religion and on and on. The pain in his voice tore at my heart. And yet he stayed so calm. Both of us were brokenhearted and I, the one rejecting the other, was the one crying. I knew it hurt him which made it even worse for myself. How could he be so? I could see his heart breaking before me. How could he just stand there? When we said farewell I prayed for him. And then we bade one another goodbye with quiet voices. So hurt. So solemn.
     I will be alright Kitty. The pain I have now is for him. That he continues to lead his life without much of a care for the next. I will be happy, I will still have joy even through my sorrow, even if I never find the right man. Because my first love is God. Even though I have lost all hope for Matthias. Even if David never sees me as I see him, I will not die from it. Because my first love is God. God is my strength. God has promised that he will love through me, enabling me to live without giving in to the longings of my heart for someone's arms. God's love is higher. So let me love from afar. Let me experience heartbreak and healing. In all things, I will let God guide me. He knows what He is doing.
     But what of the instant attraction and understanding when Matthias and I met? Everything happens for a reason. Why did God intend for us to meet? To teach me of passion and the strength to say no? Perhaps. But what of the other side? What is God's purpose for Matthias in our meeting? Were we meant to be together? No, I must not let myself think if that. It will send me into madness.
     I pray to the Most High that I have made the right choice. I cannot turn back now. Matthias learned my heart. He knows now how I stand. That God comes first. And still Matthias wanted me to love him. How I wished I did. It hurt me so to see him in pain. But God alone can give him the eternal joy that he seeks. He says he wants to be happily settled down, but I see his heart. Matthias' soul hungers for the love of God. It torments me. How can he know of Christ's sacrifice and be only grateful? Does he not understand that it means everything? That it means life or death? How can he simply be grateful? God does not ask for gratitude! Oh Matthias what have you done? I cannot save you!
     I am miserable. Please pray that something changes soon Kitty. Perhaps David will love me. Perhaps someone will provide me a distraction. I know not. Merciful Father give me strength. I now understand how God feels about us all when we do not meet His standards. When we reject Him. So much pain. And still He loves us. I could not face my life tomorrow without God's love. And right now I need that comfort.

Annabelle

I Laugh

     I have been told that I laugh too hard, too often, and too loudly. That my laughter is abrasive to the ears. But as many well know, that has never deterred me. I still laugh. A lot. I'll put it simply - I love to laugh. And not a little giggle or a chuckle. Not a high-pitched squeak or a guffaw. But a full-blown belly-aching-wide-mouthed-red-faced-on-the-floor-hyper-ventilating laugh. I have a funny-bone. And it doesn't take much to tickle it.
     But there is a reason as to why my laughter comes so easily to me. It's all about how I view life itself. I never take anything for granted. Everything bad I take in stride. Everything good I receive as a gift. The direct opposite mindset of a lot of people in society today - who believe they have rights and are entitled to things. For me it was simply a change in focus - a shift from me to you. I don't ask for much - most days I get what I need and more besides. So much more that I can give it away. So I do. Discovered that when I put me aside that I love to help people. I get so much love and attention - why not give it back? I don't deserve it - so why not return all this surplus?
     Ever held your breath for any length of time? Suddenly breathing becomes important doesn't it? Well, I figured that if breath is so valuable and I can't count on getting that next breath - why not spend that breath while singing and laughing? You see, there is good and there is evil. I know both. I have joy, but I don't ignore the fact that there is darkness. I looked at the end of the book. I know that God will triumph. Yes, evil still brings pain right now. I just find it funny that evil still thinks evil is going to win.

The Con

     Please note that this is poetry. It does not tell the entire story. It does not tell a hopeful tale. It is meant to make you want read the real story. The true story is full of hope for us and tells the ending which is the best part - not for him though.



1: The Con Man
He plays the game well, pulling down the shades.
a smile with pure confidence in his work. True masquerade.
The stage is set, edging his way into the spotlight,
once only playing the bad guy, now sometimes the hero.
Master of coercion, likes to wear a black covering,
telling us that it is white. That evil is the new good.
King of cons. Greatest performer of all.
Not doing it for the red carpet, but to complete his collection of souls.
He carries many names, offers old lies in new wraps.
What's his story? Tell me of the Con Man.

II: Angel
When he began, he was a sort of prince.
Revered, respected, followed and admired.
For he was the best of the best. A powerful being.
A beautiful one. I dare say he was a favorite.
But it was not enough. He wanted it all.
He wanted to be king. He wanted to be God.
But there was already God. There could not be another.
And he could not replace God. So he was cast out.
He was an angel. An angel that defied God.
So now he roams Earth. A Beast in Beauty's clothes.
That's right. He was never surrounded by fire,
wearing red tights, red horns and a spearhead tail.

III: Monster
He's the master of disguise. He can appear as the light,
though he is the Prince of Darkness. The Con, stealer of souls.
It's easy to pretend he's not there. Even he does that sometimes;
walking through a crowd, no one noticing his pickpocket hands.
He chooses favorites, collecting "friends" to help him,
beautiful men and women, yet monsters inside.
For a time I was one of them. But I was irrelevant.
He left me alone. But that all changed.
I saw past his charade. Because God pulled me out.
And only then did the Con notice. I became a target.

IV: His Craft
He came then. The Con. Came knocking at my door.
Promising to make me a favorite. Prodding at my weakness.
I would get every desire if only I would come back to him.
But the Tempter could not take me. I was safe with God.
I saw past the mask. Saw past his lies and half-truths.
Looked beyond behavior. Saw the heart of the Con.
But he had one more trick up his sleeve. Reminded me of who I once was.
Where I do not belong to him now, I had before.
I had been of the Con. I had played the game.
"I am evil, so what?" said he. "You do not deserve good."

V: Devil
Your future, Devil, is not a pretty one.
No more masquerade. Forget it. It's over.
The lie is lost in the face of truth. The actor cannot compare with the real thing.
The thief and the traitor are found out. And the Con? Well, he'll end too.
He wants to be God. But there is already God.
He cannot replace God. And God knows it.
For now, the Con wanders, conning us all.
But his day is coming: When God will tolerate him no more.




Revelation 20:10

Proof

     People ask me to provide evidence of the existence of God. I could spend my entire lifetime pointing out the facts and providing sources but the truth is, those who believe in God and those who deny his existence have the exact same facts. And different viewpoints. We live in the same world under the same rules. Then how does a Christian prove that there is a God? What proof is there?
     Right in front of you. Look deep. Look inside. Look at one woman's life. A prostitute of the soul. A murderer at heart. Manipulating. Suicidal. A horrible life right? But looking at her you would not be able to tell that such was her past. She thinks nothing of herself anymore, only about others. Only about reaching out a healing, loving hand to the world. Offering words of hope to anyone who will listen. What has happened? What caused the 180? What brought about the radical turnaround?
     What is proof but the laying down of fact using the focal lenses of a worldview? When a dog wags its tail while looking at you, some people say that it means the dog likes you, while others say that it means the dog simply enjoys the attention that you give by looking back at it. Which is right? How do you know? Did you ask the dog? The only part that is fact is what was observed: Fido wagged his tail. The part that is not fact but rather opinion: the different viewpoints or theories as to what Fido meant by wagging his tail at you. Since Fido cannot speak our language nor we his, we must conjecture. It's the same with God, isn't it? God doesn't speak our language so we Christians have to prove that He is there right? That's the way it seems sometimes. That's the way some want us to think. But we don't have to prove it. The proof is there.
     Right in front of you. Look outward. Look wide. Look at two thousand years of history of the peoples. What people were the most caring when no one cared for them? What belief was the most laughed at, under-minded of them all? What faith professed love when the world hated? When the world was at war who called for peace of the soul? What kind of person, poor at best, shares all he has with one who has even less? What people were hunted down for simply saying a name? What kind of person can make friends with everybody and yet is hated (or not tolerated) by most cultures and religions? What belief causes people to live life to the fullest and yet look to life after death; who are not afraid to die, always living as if tomorrow could be their last and yet waiting for Eternity to come?
     All the proof you need is inside. Ask me for proof of a miracle and I will point to myself. I am proof. I have changed from a deep down nasty monster of a human to a person who cares. A true Christian is not one that grew up going to church, or lives a good life, or is practically perfect in every way, or tries to hide mistakes, or wears special clothes, or does certain things to be holy of make it to Heaven, but rather one who is changed within - and acknowledges that the change came from God.
     Sure you can use whatever evidence is out there. But the truth is, those who do not want to believe will always come up with an excuse to not believe. The greatest proof there can be found are in the millions of changed lives throughout history and your own changed life. If you began as a terrible person, and now live a life dedicated to letting God speak and live through you, with peace, with joy, with love, are you not changed? Some people wear a cross just because it looks pretty. But when I wear a cross, I wear a symbol that tells the story of my life, of every life changed by the One who died on a cross - a symbol of death become a symbol of life. The cross you wear should mean you've truly changed. Dear fellow Christian, you are the proof.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

The Lost Letters of Annabelle: Fourth Letter

March 19, 1813

Dear Kitty,
     I fear that if this goes on for much longer I shall go mad. I feel pulled in so many directions, turning around and around. Two men, one me. I know that you think I obsess. That I think about my life far too much. I do not think about it constantly Kitty. But I am reminded of where I stand and what I feel quite often.
     I spoke with Matthias again. He seemed so pleased to have my company for a while more. As we talked, he spoke not of the other woman. But he said that he tired of women turning away from him after giving him smiles and appearing to prefer him over others. He told me that he longed for that special one - the one woman to stay with him. And then our dialogue turned to trivial things. I remember very little of it. For then he expressed in words what I already knew in my heart. He wants me. He longs for my lips, my kisses. I confess that my heart beat wildly when he said this. I wanted it too. My feelings taunted me to deny them. The temptation to put away all thought for beloved David, to give Matthias my heart grew so strong that my voice caught in my throat. I couldn't speak, such was the battle inside of me.
     Once more I saw clearly the choice before me. One man holds my desires. I long for him with such an intensity. The other man I love. I have no pangs for him like the first. But I love him. I understand that now. If it meant sacrificing my potential happiness by staying away from David that he may be happy, I would do it. And what is more important? A moment of happiness for me with Matthias, and possible - almost certain - heartbreak, of a life dedicated to God and loving David even if from afar? A love from only one, though he suffers, is more admirable. It shows faithfulness. True devotion. The world laughs at this. I have been told that to remain faithful to one that does not return love is a sign of poor intelligence - that I lack knowledge and understand nothing of the ways of men and women. That I am foolish. Even if this is true, I would rather be a fool and die unmarried yet still devoted to my love, than to pursue the object of my sinful passion and relive the life of so many wounded young women. You know what I speak of Kitty.
     God has revealed my path to me. That if I obey Him, He will give me the strength to love David regardless if David does not love me. As long as I hold onto God I will be able to say no to my passion. I want to sin no more. That's right Kitty. I know now what it is to lust. But God holds my heart. He will keep me from ever doing it again if I devote myself to His love.
     I have decided. Even if David never loves me, I will be there for him. Because God loves me. Even if David leaves and I never see him again, God still loves me. He lets me love, because He loved me first. He lets me love, because my greatest, deepest, strongest love is for God. God must always come first.

Your sister,
Annabelle

My Soul Cries

     I have seen it. I have seen the face of darkness, death, and destruction. Evil. Spreading like a cancer on steroids. Though I stand in the light, I look out into the dark. And remember...
     I remember when I was once of the darkness. When I delighted in stealing, lying, killing. I cheated. I used people. I prostituted my soul. And murdered in my heart of hearts. I was a monster. No. That word does not even come close. I was so much worse than that. I chose that life. I rejoiced in it. I was a terror. A horror. A nightmare in human flesh.
     The knowledge of what I once was fills me with anguish. I can hardly write. As long as I have these memories, as long as there are reminders out there, I will never be sane. I did not deserve another breath. But then my eyes were opened. For the monster inside of me looked into the Mirror of Souls. I cried out, "God strike me down! Kill me now before I do anything more!"
     Then I was taken by the hand and forgiven. Completely, utterly forgiven. I was filled with peace and joy. In one moment, as the monster of a sinful soul screamed out, trying desperately to regain control - it burned. The Consuming Fire entered in and burned it. I was free. I entered into the light a new person.
     For a time I was satisfied. It was enough to learn all I could about my new life. I had tasted paradise. Could I not just stay there? I reasoned. Then I began to realize that I was meant to return. To carry the light into the darkness to reach out to trapped souls. Fellow monsters whose hearts could be freed just as mine had been. I was told to carry the light, to hold out hope to anyone who would listen.
     But to leave - to go back out there - I would have to face my old life. I would have to go through the painful memories of what I once was, of all the things I had done. When I was enjoying my glimpse of paradise it was so easy to forget. I was forgiven, I said to myself, so I could live as brand new - forgotten past - as if it never happened. I'm glad that often I can still forget. But as long as I remain on this earth, the fact that I had done evil will always remain.
     So I stood at the gate, clutching the light to my heart for dear life, trembling, remembering. Then my fear ebbed away and I stepped out. Immediately the temptations came. To forsake the light completely, to become a monster again. Only this time I was offered power. To change ranks in the dark from a nobody to a woman who could have the world - who could simply flutter her eyelashes at men and have them all wrapped around her little finger.
     It was so tempting. I, who had lived most of my life adoring men to be offered the chance to control as many as I wanted. A queen in my own right. I said no. The love and forgiveness I had received had left me more than satisfied that the light was the place to be. The temptation grew stronger. Showed me just how many men I would have adoring me. I confess that I looked at it. I looked down the list. Then the light revealed to me names that were not on that list. Those would resist the power of evil. My true friends and brothers. There were only a few. But it was enough. It was more than enough.
     But now what has happened? I look out into the world and my soul fills with pain again. My laughter is tainted by suffering. My happiness marred by the sorrow within. But not for myself. I see others in pain. But so often there is nothing I can do. I want to give comfort to the wounded, the mourning, the orphans, the dying. I hear them scream to heaven, "Why God? Why?"
     Why does God let bad things happen? How can He tolerate evil? How can He put up with it all? Why is it that sometimes He lets good people get hurt and the same one who did the hurt to live on?
     If you ask those questions, the same ones that I asked and still ask sometimes, then you're looking at it wrong. Just as I did. We want to blame God for the bad. But all the ugly, the pain, the evil is because of the monsters. Humans that lie, cheat, kill, steal. Humans that use their gifts and talents to control and rule over others. Humans that make the wrong decisions.
     But why doesn't God destroy them? Doesn't it hurt Him to see people suffer? Yes. It does pain Him. More than you or I will ever know. But He still gives all humans a second chance. And He gives it over and over again. I know. I'm still here. When I should be dead a hundred times over. But that does not dismiss the tormented world. Go lets us see the pain to show us the consequences of choosing to do wrong. There is pain. There is death. And it's our fault.
     You see, we live on the most beautiful of planets and it's dying because of us. Admit it. Admit that you enjoy playing a prank or being naughty. Admit that you've given the "little white lie" before. But you knew it was wrong. The first people were given one rule and they still didn't get it right. So there was a change. Paradise was taken away. Pain, disease, death, and suffering came in. Blood was shed. To pay for what had been done. One command and we blew it. And then we became monsters. How God must have hurt. He couldn't even trust us with one rule.
     On that day, evil was the victor. Darkness won. Then God made a promise that He would restore paradise. The monsters laughed at Him. They laugh at Him still. I laughed at Him. Then He showed mercy to me. And I tasted that paradise.
     My soul cries out within me, cries out to see that the world still groans, cries out to God to bring peace and perfection back. My soul cries. With joy that I am free. With pain that there are still people who are not free. With knowing that the world grows darker by the day. With longing for the day that is to come. The day that God will end all evil and take those hearts that are free to new life.
     Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me that this is insane. But my own memory is my witness. Where once I was horrible, now I have hope. Where once I thought only of myself, now I think of you. When I say my soul cries, I simply mean that I pray. My soul cries both in joy and in pain. My soul cries to God for you.
     May you never be the monster that I was. May you never feel the pain that I have felt. May you only see from afar the evil I have encountered.
     My soul cries.
     May the trials you face make you stronger. May you receive the eternal joy that I have tasted. May God protect you and guide you and bring you to the promise.
     My soul cries.
     If giving my life could save you, I would do it. But that is not in my power. I could not even save myself, so how could I rescue another?
     My soul cries.
     If I was dying and I only had one final breath to say something to you - one final important thing to say - one word of parting, I would speak aloud the cry of my soul. I would tell the reason I am a monster no more. I would tell the reason why my soul cries. But would you listen? Or would you laugh like the rest of the world? I cry with joy because I am free. I cry with pain because that joy is ignored when it could be yours too. Because the promise was not just for me. It's for you too:

     Jesus loves you.

The Bible, Book of John, chapter 3, verse 16: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."

"Borned"

     A newborn boy asleep in his mother's arms. A puppy curled up with his brothers. A foal standing on its feet for the first time. When you think of a baby (animal or human), you usually think of a smaller, considerably less developed version of its parents right?
     What does it mean to be born? Does it mean to "be brought forth?" To begin new life? Does it simply mean to start something new?
     If we limit the definition of being born to new life, to the mammal process of developing for a time inside the mother and then brought forth, tiny and vulnerable in comparison to the parent, then we are simply being scientific and analytical.
     But since we are in the realm of science for the moment, what of the other animals? What about plants? For birds and reptiles, which have eggs, you are not born you are hatched. For most plants, you either come from a seed or a root and you sprout. Yes. Sprout. Sprout forth and multiply.
     According to one child I encountered, if you were something new - if you had a beginning somewhere (regardless of how you began or what you were) - you were "borned." You had entered the world. Brand new. Brought forth. Borned.
     And that included ideas, thoughts, and beliefs. They all had a beginning. They all originated somewhere. I found that thought to be so profound. We humans come up with ideas and inventions all the time. So when an idea is created, it is born.
     If this is the case, cannot some things be reborn? Taken and changed around so much that it can be called completely new? Indeed they can. And it can be best observed in society and human life. For example: the United States of America. Democracy was not a new thing when the nation was founded. It had been around hundreds of years before in Greece. But, in the eighteenth century, when the USA was still known as a bunch of colonies, a group of men came together to recreate democracy into a republic. I'm not going to say anything about the state of the country as it stands right now, but when it started out, it was a fantastic idea. The USA was born.
     But what about a human? Is it possible to be born more than once? Physically no. But what about mental state or lifestyle? Well, ever heard the phrase "new man?" History is full of men and women whose lives have changed dramatically. Countless stories have the classic plot line of "the man who learned better."
     I have seen people, both men and women, who thought themselves good so overcome with guilt and shame that they were in anguish and tears - to the point that you thought they were being tortured to death from the inside out. Have you ever seen a grown man cry? Personally, it pulls me apart inside. My stomach twists up and I don't know what to do. (Usually I'm so empathetic I end up crying too.)
     And then have those same people come back, changed for the better. To have guilt flood your heart and mind - and then to be forgiven. The joy. The peace. Oh to see a life hit rock bottom and then become an amazing person. To witness such an event. There is nothing like it in this world. The one thing that even comes close is to watch a mother give birth. The pain and then the joy. And it still dims in comparison to watching someone be born again.
     To be born is a miracle. To be borned - that's a God thing.