Thursday, October 7, 2021

Happy Birthday Finn

Happy birthday Finn.

My little baby boy.

What a crazy year it's been.

A year ago I pushed you out of my body and out into the big big world. You were so tiny, so helpless. But you were mine. My own little one. And look at you now.

Starting to walk (with some help). Starting to talk (is that Klingon or Ewok?).

Eating everything within reach (and yet throwing it on the floor too).

When you were born you were oh so little and wow how you grew!

My love for you grew like a bubble inside me when I found out you were there and how it fills me up even now. It has changed, grown with you, smiled with you, cried with you.

My baby has become a toddler, and soon one year will become two.

I cannot wait to see the future you!

To see you walk on your own, hear you speak words.

Then the walking becomes running, words to sentences.

I loved you this past year, watching you go from a little wrinkly toothpick of a newborn to a smiley, chill three month old, then trying new food six month old, to chunky, toothy, giggly nine month old and now my beautiful bubbly wobbly one year old.

I don't feel like I have much more to say. I say it all to you while you're awake so trying to say more while you aren't here to listen is hard. But I write this to you in the hopes that one day you'll get to read it (and maybe cherish it).

I love being your mom, even in the hard moments. But those hard moments remind me that we're both human - you just barely begun with so much in store and me at 26 and still learning. I'm so happy to be your mom and you my dear baby (sorry, toddler).

Even when words fail me, I will always say this: I love you. Always.

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Wasn't Supposed To

I wasn't supposed to date people of other religions

I wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage

I wasn't supposed to like it

I wasn't supposed to get pregnant

I wasn't supposed to get married to him

But here I am

And I couldn't be happier.


I wasn't supposed to be a "drama queen"

I wasn't supposed to be rebellious

I wasn't supposed to choose my own path

I wasn't supposed to be impatient

I wasn't supposed to "throw my life away"

Then how come

I feel like I'm fulfilling a part of my purpose?


I'm breaking the cycle

In bad ways and good ways

I will not be like you - who made me believe

That I had to be a certain way

The woman I am today

Is so much stronger and more aware

I'm now a mother

A mama bear

And I will defend my life and my child


I wasn't supposed to be a matriarch

I wasn't supposed to be so assertive

I wasn't supposed to stand in front

I wasn't supposed to call the shots

I wasn't supposed to change the narrative

But here I am

And I choose respect over fear


I'm breaking the cycle

In bad ways and good ways

I will not be like you - who made me believe

That I had to be a certain way

The woman I am today

Is so much kinder and less naïve

I'm now a mother

A she-wolf

And I will defend my life and my child

Monday, May 24, 2021

Moving My Home

     I hate moving. It's a pain. So much work and and time and mental and emotional energy go into moving. 

     I've done it three times now. And every time I've felt a little more disorganized and left feeling like I've left a piece of myself behind. I lived in my childhood home for 19 years and then every place after that 2 years each. Every time was hard, but necessary for one reason or another. And now I know in my heart it's time to move again.

     If it was just me, I'd up and leave. Start over. Clean slate. But I can't. Not quickly anyway. Not that easy with a spouse that's not so sure he wants to move and a young kid in tow.

     But I don't have much left where I live. Yes, I have a brother and parents who live in the state, making get togethers quite nice and convenient. But family can be traveled to, visited on occasion instead of every week. And yet, I am left feeling sad and alone. I blame Covid, but I also know that it's been there in the back of my brain for years.

     The truth - my friends are gone. Those who were good friends that I took for granted have moved and moved on. Those who I thought were my friends have shown their true colors. And I am left wondering why and if it was my fault even though it was not. The fault of mine was not keeping in touch with those who cared about my friendship.

     My landlady is moving within a year. It is unknown what she will do with her house. There had been a thought of possibly buying the house from her. But I don't want the house. Not really. Don't get me wrong, it'd be nice, but in truth I don't want it.

     I want to leave. Badly.

     I want to get out of the state I live in right now. I want to say good-bye to all the bad and sad memories I associate with being here still. I didn't go to college out of state. I didn't travel after graduation - for pleasure or mission or anything. I'm still here. And I hate that I'm still here. Everyone around me has changed and I feel like I have not. I feel like I'm missing out on...something. I'm missing a puzzle piece.

     But for now, I sit. And talk with my hubby, hoping he'll see my side. For now, I wait. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for that nudge in the right direction. God has always had a hand in the changes of my life. So for now, I sit. And wait. And listen.



P.S. I know I promised an update on my husband and kid. Dear reader have no fear my baby (7 months old as of the publishing of this post!) is doing wonderfully and growing so fast and my hubby continues to be the sweetest, kindest, and most supportive lover I could ask for. I will post in more detail in the future. I will try to write more frequently, but maybe I'll be moving soon. Maybe. Stay tuned.