March 19, 1813
Dear Kitty,
I fear that if this goes on for much longer I shall go mad. I feel pulled in so many directions, turning around and around. Two men, one me. I know that you think I obsess. That I think about my life far too much. I do not think about it constantly Kitty. But I am reminded of where I stand and what I feel quite often.
I spoke with Matthias again. He seemed so pleased to have my company for a while more. As we talked, he spoke not of the other woman. But he said that he tired of women turning away from him after giving him smiles and appearing to prefer him over others. He told me that he longed for that special one - the one woman to stay with him. And then our dialogue turned to trivial things. I remember very little of it. For then he expressed in words what I already knew in my heart. He wants me. He longs for my lips, my kisses. I confess that my heart beat wildly when he said this. I wanted it too. My feelings taunted me to deny them. The temptation to put away all thought for beloved David, to give Matthias my heart grew so strong that my voice caught in my throat. I couldn't speak, such was the battle inside of me.
Once more I saw clearly the choice before me. One man holds my desires. I long for him with such an intensity. The other man I love. I have no pangs for him like the first. But I love him. I understand that now. If it meant sacrificing my potential happiness by staying away from David that he may be happy, I would do it. And what is more important? A moment of happiness for me with Matthias, and possible - almost certain - heartbreak, of a life dedicated to God and loving David even if from afar? A love from only one, though he suffers, is more admirable. It shows faithfulness. True devotion. The world laughs at this. I have been told that to remain faithful to one that does not return love is a sign of poor intelligence - that I lack knowledge and understand nothing of the ways of men and women. That I am foolish. Even if this is true, I would rather be a fool and die unmarried yet still devoted to my love, than to pursue the object of my sinful passion and relive the life of so many wounded young women. You know what I speak of Kitty.
God has revealed my path to me. That if I obey Him, He will give me the strength to love David regardless if David does not love me. As long as I hold onto God I will be able to say no to my passion. I want to sin no more. That's right Kitty. I know now what it is to lust. But God holds my heart. He will keep me from ever doing it again if I devote myself to His love.
I have decided. Even if David never loves me, I will be there for him. Because God loves me. Even if David leaves and I never see him again, God still loves me. He lets me love, because He loved me first. He lets me love, because my greatest, deepest, strongest love is for God. God must always come first.
Your sister,
Annabelle
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