I hate moving. It's a pain. So much work and and time and mental and emotional energy go into moving.
I've done it three times now. And every time I've felt a little more disorganized and left feeling like I've left a piece of myself behind. I lived in my childhood home for 19 years and then every place after that 2 years each. Every time was hard, but necessary for one reason or another. And now I know in my heart it's time to move again.
If it was just me, I'd up and leave. Start over. Clean slate. But I can't. Not quickly anyway. Not that easy with a spouse that's not so sure he wants to move and a young kid in tow.
But I don't have much left where I live. Yes, I have a brother and parents who live in the state, making get togethers quite nice and convenient. But family can be traveled to, visited on occasion instead of every week. And yet, I am left feeling sad and alone. I blame Covid, but I also know that it's been there in the back of my brain for years.
The truth - my friends are gone. Those who were good friends that I took for granted have moved and moved on. Those who I thought were my friends have shown their true colors. And I am left wondering why and if it was my fault even though it was not. The fault of mine was not keeping in touch with those who cared about my friendship.
My landlady is moving within a year. It is unknown what she will do with her house. There had been a thought of possibly buying the house from her. But I don't want the house. Not really. Don't get me wrong, it'd be nice, but in truth I don't want it.
I want to leave. Badly.
I want to get out of the state I live in right now. I want to say good-bye to all the bad and sad memories I associate with being here still. I didn't go to college out of state. I didn't travel after graduation - for pleasure or mission or anything. I'm still here. And I hate that I'm still here. Everyone around me has changed and I feel like I have not. I feel like I'm missing out on...something. I'm missing a puzzle piece.
But for now, I sit. And talk with my hubby, hoping he'll see my side. For now, I wait. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for that nudge in the right direction. God has always had a hand in the changes of my life. So for now, I sit. And wait. And listen.
P.S. I know I promised an update on my husband and kid. Dear reader have no fear my baby (7 months old as of the publishing of this post!) is doing wonderfully and growing so fast and my hubby continues to be the sweetest, kindest, and most supportive lover I could ask for. I will post in more detail in the future. I will try to write more frequently, but maybe I'll be moving soon. Maybe. Stay tuned.