My Soul Cries

     I have seen it. I have seen the face of darkness, death, and destruction. Evil. Spreading like a cancer on steroids. Though I stand in the light, I look out into the dark. And remember...
     I remember when I was once of the darkness. When I delighted in stealing, lying, killing. I cheated. I used people. I prostituted my soul. And murdered in my heart of hearts. I was a monster. No. That word does not even come close. I was so much worse than that. I chose that life. I rejoiced in it. I was a terror. A horror. A nightmare in human flesh.
     The knowledge of what I once was fills me with anguish. I can hardly write. As long as I have these memories, as long as there are reminders out there, I will never be sane. I did not deserve another breath. But then my eyes were opened. For the monster inside of me looked into the Mirror of Souls. I cried out, "God strike me down! Kill me now before I do anything more!"
     Then I was taken by the hand and forgiven. Completely, utterly forgiven. I was filled with peace and joy. In one moment, as the monster of a sinful soul screamed out, trying desperately to regain control - it burned. The Consuming Fire entered in and burned it. I was free. I entered into the light a new person.
     For a time I was satisfied. It was enough to learn all I could about my new life. I had tasted paradise. Could I not just stay there? I reasoned. Then I began to realize that I was meant to return. To carry the light into the darkness to reach out to trapped souls. Fellow monsters whose hearts could be freed just as mine had been. I was told to carry the light, to hold out hope to anyone who would listen.
     But to leave - to go back out there - I would have to face my old life. I would have to go through the painful memories of what I once was, of all the things I had done. When I was enjoying my glimpse of paradise it was so easy to forget. I was forgiven, I said to myself, so I could live as brand new - forgotten past - as if it never happened. I'm glad that often I can still forget. But as long as I remain on this earth, the fact that I had done evil will always remain.
     So I stood at the gate, clutching the light to my heart for dear life, trembling, remembering. Then my fear ebbed away and I stepped out. Immediately the temptations came. To forsake the light completely, to become a monster again. Only this time I was offered power. To change ranks in the dark from a nobody to a woman who could have the world - who could simply flutter her eyelashes at men and have them all wrapped around her little finger.
     It was so tempting. I, who had lived most of my life adoring men to be offered the chance to control as many as I wanted. A queen in my own right. I said no. The love and forgiveness I had received had left me more than satisfied that the light was the place to be. The temptation grew stronger. Showed me just how many men I would have adoring me. I confess that I looked at it. I looked down the list. Then the light revealed to me names that were not on that list. Those would resist the power of evil. My true friends and brothers. There were only a few. But it was enough. It was more than enough.
     But now what has happened? I look out into the world and my soul fills with pain again. My laughter is tainted by suffering. My happiness marred by the sorrow within. But not for myself. I see others in pain. But so often there is nothing I can do. I want to give comfort to the wounded, the mourning, the orphans, the dying. I hear them scream to heaven, "Why God? Why?"
     Why does God let bad things happen? How can He tolerate evil? How can He put up with it all? Why is it that sometimes He lets good people get hurt and the same one who did the hurt to live on?
     If you ask those questions, the same ones that I asked and still ask sometimes, then you're looking at it wrong. Just as I did. We want to blame God for the bad. But all the ugly, the pain, the evil is because of the monsters. Humans that lie, cheat, kill, steal. Humans that use their gifts and talents to control and rule over others. Humans that make the wrong decisions.
     But why doesn't God destroy them? Doesn't it hurt Him to see people suffer? Yes. It does pain Him. More than you or I will ever know. But He still gives all humans a second chance. And He gives it over and over again. I know. I'm still here. When I should be dead a hundred times over. But that does not dismiss the tormented world. Go lets us see the pain to show us the consequences of choosing to do wrong. There is pain. There is death. And it's our fault.
     You see, we live on the most beautiful of planets and it's dying because of us. Admit it. Admit that you enjoy playing a prank or being naughty. Admit that you've given the "little white lie" before. But you knew it was wrong. The first people were given one rule and they still didn't get it right. So there was a change. Paradise was taken away. Pain, disease, death, and suffering came in. Blood was shed. To pay for what had been done. One command and we blew it. And then we became monsters. How God must have hurt. He couldn't even trust us with one rule.
     On that day, evil was the victor. Darkness won. Then God made a promise that He would restore paradise. The monsters laughed at Him. They laugh at Him still. I laughed at Him. Then He showed mercy to me. And I tasted that paradise.
     My soul cries out within me, cries out to see that the world still groans, cries out to God to bring peace and perfection back. My soul cries. With joy that I am free. With pain that there are still people who are not free. With knowing that the world grows darker by the day. With longing for the day that is to come. The day that God will end all evil and take those hearts that are free to new life.
     Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me that this is insane. But my own memory is my witness. Where once I was horrible, now I have hope. Where once I thought only of myself, now I think of you. When I say my soul cries, I simply mean that I pray. My soul cries both in joy and in pain. My soul cries to God for you.
     May you never be the monster that I was. May you never feel the pain that I have felt. May you only see from afar the evil I have encountered.
     My soul cries.
     May the trials you face make you stronger. May you receive the eternal joy that I have tasted. May God protect you and guide you and bring you to the promise.
     My soul cries.
     If giving my life could save you, I would do it. But that is not in my power. I could not even save myself, so how could I rescue another?
     My soul cries.
     If I was dying and I only had one final breath to say something to you - one final important thing to say - one word of parting, I would speak aloud the cry of my soul. I would tell the reason I am a monster no more. I would tell the reason why my soul cries. But would you listen? Or would you laugh like the rest of the world? I cry with joy because I am free. I cry with pain because that joy is ignored when it could be yours too. Because the promise was not just for me. It's for you too:

     Jesus loves you.

The Bible, Book of John, chapter 3, verse 16: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."