La Ma Sabach Thani

La Ma Sabach Thani;
The Cry of the Son

Where are you?
Why have you left me alone?
La ma sabach thani?
(Why have You forsaken me?)
I groan
I cry
I bleed
Let me be saved
Don't let me die
Take this cup from me
La ma sabach thani?
Where is my comfort?
Come, my God, come.
Do not despise me
La ma sabach thani?
They call for me to die
They call for my blood
They mock me
They mock Your Name
I am pierced
I am a worm, no more a man
I am bleeding
La ma sabach thani?
My breath is taken from me.
I thirst.
And am given vinegar.
Why do you not answer?
My strength, where have you gone?
Eli, Eli
La ma sabach thani
La ma sabach thani?

(My God, My God,
why have You forsaken Me?)

A Lover's Lament

I'm standing on this bridge alone. You walked away.
But I should have known you would.
I hurt you.
So why should you stay?
You were waiting for me. You wanted me to be your one and only.
I wanted it too.
I was in love with you.
But I loved another.
My first love.
A greater love. A perfect love.
A love that held me back. Told me I wasn't ready.
Told me that love is stronger than passion.
Told me that passion was all I had for you.
I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to listen.
You loved me. I wanted you.
We were perfect for each other.
You were waiting for me.
I was broken inside.
And still I turned away.
The perfect chance and I trashed it. My thorns had left you hurt.
I couldn't bear it.
But it was the choice I made. And I couldn't take it back.
I was being saved for later.
My first love was holding me back. Keeping me ready for another of His choice.
The one to handle thorny me was yet to come.
But I wanted you.
But I could only say no to my own wants. And not to the Keeper of my heart.
I hurt you.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I know saying this doesn't change anything but...
I'm sorry.

The Lost Letters of Annabelle: Fifth Letter

April 2, 1813

My dear Kitty,
     My premonition has come to pass. What I felt would happen, what I should have expected, has occurred at last. But before I tell you what has happened, I ought to say that I have not told you everything. I have been horrible to you. To everyone. I continued to speak with Matthias, telling no one, not even you. Forgive me Kitty, but I felt so strongly for him that I could not stop. I feel guilty about it now, but it felt right then.
     When I first met my secret Mr. Antony, I knew from that very moment that anything between us could not last. I do not know how I knew this, but I did, and I ignored it. I was so infatuated with my suitor that I threw away all caution. I thank the Heavenly Father above that he is a good man or else I might have come to dreadful harm. But it was all too good to be true. We felt too strongly for each other.
     Matthias asked me if I wished us to be together. For one long blissful moment I almost did it. I almost followed my yearnings. I almost said that I wanted him and him alone. But I did not. I could not. I had given my heart to God and He reminded me of one thing: that I was Christian and Matthias was not. That even if we were together in this life, what of the next? My conscience fought with my longing heart. Remember that passage about a woman being married to an unbeliever? That her righteousness would sanctify him? The thought had crossed my mind. But the Scriptures also say that it is better not to marry. I knew my passion, and I knew I could love him completely if I chose, but what if I could not save him? What then? Would it all be a waste of time then?
     When Christ returns all evil things will be thrown into Hell. All evil will be destroyed. Even the very memory of it will be wiped clean. Which means that those not saved, those destroyed for their sins, will be remembered no more. And I could not bear the thought of being with Matthias only for this short life. Even if I were to make beautiful memories with him, would they not be lost? Yes. Forever. To gain, only to lose forever? I could not do it.
     I told him this. I told him how much I was in love with him, but I could not, I would not have him only to lose him. He was hurt. Oh Kitty, how he hurt. He must have thought that I was the one for him, and I had turned him down. The silence almost killed me. I was in tears and he said nothing. He said nothing for so long. Then he started saying things about if it is the way I feel and that we disagree about religion and on and on. The pain in his voice tore at my heart. And yet he stayed so calm. Both of us were brokenhearted and I, the one rejecting the other, was the one crying. I knew it hurt him which made it even worse for myself. How could he be so? I could see his heart breaking before me. How could he just stand there? When we said farewell I prayed for him. And then we bade one another goodbye with quiet voices. So hurt. So solemn.
     I will be alright Kitty. The pain I have now is for him. That he continues to lead his life without much of a care for the next. I will be happy, I will still have joy even through my sorrow, even if I never find the right man. Because my first love is God. Even though I have lost all hope for Matthias. Even if David never sees me as I see him, I will not die from it. Because my first love is God. God is my strength. God has promised that he will love through me, enabling me to live without giving in to the longings of my heart for someone's arms. God's love is higher. So let me love from afar. Let me experience heartbreak and healing. In all things, I will let God guide me. He knows what He is doing.
     But what of the instant attraction and understanding when Matthias and I met? Everything happens for a reason. Why did God intend for us to meet? To teach me of passion and the strength to say no? Perhaps. But what of the other side? What is God's purpose for Matthias in our meeting? Were we meant to be together? No, I must not let myself think if that. It will send me into madness.
     I pray to the Most High that I have made the right choice. I cannot turn back now. Matthias learned my heart. He knows now how I stand. That God comes first. And still Matthias wanted me to love him. How I wished I did. It hurt me so to see him in pain. But God alone can give him the eternal joy that he seeks. He says he wants to be happily settled down, but I see his heart. Matthias' soul hungers for the love of God. It torments me. How can he know of Christ's sacrifice and be only grateful? Does he not understand that it means everything? That it means life or death? How can he simply be grateful? God does not ask for gratitude! Oh Matthias what have you done? I cannot save you!
     I am miserable. Please pray that something changes soon Kitty. Perhaps David will love me. Perhaps someone will provide me a distraction. I know not. Merciful Father give me strength. I now understand how God feels about us all when we do not meet His standards. When we reject Him. So much pain. And still He loves us. I could not face my life tomorrow without God's love. And right now I need that comfort.

Annabelle

I Laugh

     I have been told that I laugh too hard, too often, and too loudly. That my laughter is abrasive to the ears. But as many well know, that has never deterred me. I still laugh. A lot. I'll put it simply - I love to laugh. And not a little giggle or a chuckle. Not a high-pitched squeak or a guffaw. But a full-blown belly-aching-wide-mouthed-red-faced-on-the-floor-hyper-ventilating laugh. I have a funny-bone. And it doesn't take much to tickle it.
     But there is a reason as to why my laughter comes so easily to me. It's all about how I view life itself. I never take anything for granted. Everything bad I take in stride. Everything good I receive as a gift. The direct opposite mindset of a lot of people in society today - who believe they have rights and are entitled to things. For me it was simply a change in focus - a shift from me to you. I don't ask for much - most days I get what I need and more besides. So much more that I can give it away. So I do. Discovered that when I put me aside that I love to help people. I get so much love and attention - why not give it back? I don't deserve it - so why not return all this surplus?
     Ever held your breath for any length of time? Suddenly breathing becomes important doesn't it? Well, I figured that if breath is so valuable and I can't count on getting that next breath - why not spend that breath while singing and laughing? You see, there is good and there is evil. I know both. I have joy, but I don't ignore the fact that there is darkness. I looked at the end of the book. I know that God will triumph. Yes, evil still brings pain right now. I just find it funny that evil still thinks evil is going to win.