Emotionally Inclined

     So. I have a confession to make. I want someone to ask me out. I want a guy in my life who's more than a friend. I want to be on cloud nine all over again. I'm a die hard romantic. I love being swept off my feet, going dancing, coming up with cute silly things to say, do, buy just for "my man" and being treated like a princess. I...kind of? sort of?..."have my eye" on a couple of guys I'm slowly getting to know. I've flirted. I've hinted. Grrr, I've even offered to spend time with one of them (just short of asking him out) and tried to get the other to open up to me. Basically, all the tricks. Except one. Asking either of them out. I have yet to be brave enough to cross that line simply because I'm afraid of both of them being the "traditional" type who wants to do the asking. That and I think one of them has a girlfriend (not sure on that one though because he had never mentioned a girlfriend before and it was kind of a passing joke rather than a statement about a current girlfriend but I may be wrong and he actually has a girlfriend aaaaaand I think I'm over thinking it. Gaaaaah!).
     Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. I'm also in need of friends. Especially in the guy department. Bros I can just hang out with and not get romantically involved. And I worry that if I do get bold enough to do the asking that it would scare a guy away from even being friends. I don't want that. I don't want to ruin the potential of a future awesome friendship for the chance of the possibility of the maybe having a relationship later.
     See what I mean? I'm frustrated with myself. I've done "all the right stuff" and at the same time tried to prove that I also want to be friends. I'm the queen of mixed signals. Stuck going around and around, wondering this, hoping that, never really knowing for certain. Instead of trusting my gut with what I see in front of me I end up analyzing every little detail of every interaction and double guessing myself at every turn.
     I am inclined to dream, to hope, to believe. I am also inclined to fear, to worry, to doubt. I am inclined to trust, to accept, to welcome. I am also inclined to analyze, to question, to be cautious. Being human, I am emotionally inclined. It's my nature. And yet I cannot trust my emotions. They are far too dangerous. And at the same time, it has been my analytical logical side that has gotten me in more emotional trouble than my own emotions.
     I long to share my joy, my enjoyment of discovery and love of life. I want to share my passions and my gifts. But at a price that each who gets to know me, friend or relationship, must weigh for themselves and decide whether I am worth trusting, loving, keeping around. All must evaluate the sides of me that are incapable of serving others. All who see past the spunky smiling me that I show everyone must choose whether or not what they see is worth it. It is easy for people to love me for who I am - my joy, my serving attitude, my giving nature. It is hard for people to love me despite of who I am - my neediness, my emotional weaknesses, my wandering eyes.
     Time and again I have been rejected because of my flaws and blamed for other people's problems. That's why I'm so nervous to make the first move. I don't want to gain again, only to lose again. I want the guarantee that I can have that best friend who won't walk away from me. Whether he chooses me as his girl or ends up married to someone else but still stays great friends with me. As long as there is someone I can rely on. That's what I want in the end. There are people rely on me that I hope understand that I am imperfect but trust me still the same. Why can't I have someone that I can rely upon the same way?

Insecure

     December 1, 2015. I cut my hair off. All that's left is inch-long hair to cover my small female head. Why did I do it?
     Well, I had a good long length going and a while back I had decided that when it was long enough I would have it cut to donate (lookup Wigs for Kids if you're curious about that). For two reasons.
     The first being I hated having to take care of and style my hair all the time and dealing with tangles and static and all that jazz. Sure I also loved my hair. It had a delightful natural wave and highlights of which many girls were jealous. So I figured, I don't want it any more so why not give it to someone in need of hair?
     The other reason that during the time my hair was growing in from a previous (though not as drastic) cut, the man that I was engaged to left me and I had to learn from the pain of loss and the emotional turmoil of rejection after acceptance. I had to grow again, to figure out who I was seeing as how I had gotten lost in the relationship. Before I had become so wrapped up in me serving him and not serving alongside him. While the hair grew I had become someone new. I had been stabbed with a shard of ice and left to find my own way. But the Consuming Fire held me, let me cry and scream away the pain, then picked me back up to stand again.
     I don't think many would describe me as fearful. But for the longest time I was extremely insecure. I learned to hide it with a spunky, playful, helpful outward personality. I play the slightly naive, eager to please young woman. I smile, laugh, and make friends easily. Few do I actually let see my negatives: my moments of fear, worry, anger, sorrow. I still feel insecure from time to time and keep it hidden away, trusting little, even of myself. And I justified it with telling myself that those not-so-enjoyed-socially parts of my personality were best kept hidden because I could serve people best with optimistic extrovert me and not the reflective introspective me. But I struggled because both are me. Both need to surface. Both need to see the sun from time to time. Yet I forced part of me to the shadows where none save God alone could touch it.
     Yes, I was insecure. I still am from time to time. But not nearly as much anymore. God changed me, made me stronger. He reassured me that He still loves me even if everyone who matters to me who lead me to believe that I matter to them were to cut me down, cut me off, walk away, betray me. He would still be there for me. Even in the moments I feel so desperately alone and insecure that those I'm beginning to trust may or may not continue to be kind to me.
     Yes. When I cut my hair, it was a symbol of freedom. It is a daily reminder that I should not be afraid. That I CAN  cut away my personal barriers and force myself to step out and hold my head high and my hand out regardless of the outcome. I cannot hide my face behind my hair. I must not hide myself away from the world. God is my creator. He put me in this world for a reason. He made me beautiful and gave me gifts to serve others with. Rejection and betrayal have and will happen. But I am not afraid to drop my shield if that means someone else will and can be truly blessed by our connection. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with me (Psalm 23:4). He is and always will be my strength to endure the pain that some will inflict on me out of hatred or even their own insecurity.
     My head is "vulnerable" now. You can see every angle. Every curve of my skull under what little hair I have left from the cutting (my hair has only been so short once before - when I was a tiny baby). Here I am. This is me. My new appearance says. And so I am as well. I present myself - a vulnerable, flawed human being. A child of God holding out the Light to all. Living a life that seeks after Him. I'm wearing it on my skin, on my head now. See me. See Him in me.
     In God, I am secure.