Faith

     It is said that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed (which by the way is only about 3 millimeters wide) you could tell a mountain to move [1]. What most people take that to mean is that nobody has any faith because it's obviously a power - and nobody's moved a mountain just by saying so. But it's not. Others will say if you have that much faith, you'll trust God to move the mountain in His time and however He chooses to do it so you don't even have to tell the mountain to move. What I've grown to understand is that as a Christian I am a vessel, a messenger. I simply carry what I'm told and have faith that God is using me every step of the way.
     What I mean is this: my faith is such God tells the "mountains" - people - to move through me. I can take no credit. It is His great love to speak through me. When I try to take control I mess up. The message only gets through when He's in charge. Yes, He sometimes chooses to use my words. But alone my words mean nothing. The Spirit moves through minds and hearts. The words only take on new meaning when God's whisper is behind them.
     Faith comes through understanding the Word [2]. Faith comes when one believes in the Savior. Faith is small, but it is mighty. So I will hold out my hand to everyone who will listen and pray that God speaks through me. He will move the mountains. I believe it.
     That, dear reader, is faith.

Colossians 4:3-6 "And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."





[1] Matthew 17.20
[2] Romans 10.17

Old and New (100th post)

     As I sit here in an old easy chair I am joined by my newest cat friend. She lays on me with her small head in my elbow and her backside and tail on my lap, occasionally stretching her long skinny legs up to dig her paws into my chest. I smile down at her and stroke her tiny nose with my finger.
     Her little but warm black body and purring is comforting as I mourn the loss of a loved one. Both memories of the past and thoughts of the future do battle in my mind as I try to begin again. Forced to move on without my darling. Some days all I can do is cry. Other days I walk about feeling like a ghost I am so numb. But move on I must. I can't sit idle for long. The pain won't go away so I will use it as energy for my days ahead. I must never forget the past. Leave it behind, yes, but forgetting would be a mistake. A coward's way out.
     Our lives are shaped by those around us, as we help shape others. I am who I am but my lessons of life and perspective of the world is greatly influenced because I loved a man who in the end could not love me back as I loved him and so he left me. Legally I am single again. But for the time being my heart is bound. Only he can release me. But by wrong ways. To see him sin like that would hurt me more than his leaving me. So for his sake I pray I remain alone so long as he continues to not choose me. If he returns, well I will only think that one through if it happens.
     Expect the worst, hope for the best, and you will never be disappointed, as I always say. So I prepare a life of solitude, pouring my overflowing love into helping people and writing stories and volunteering for those in need. I would have done the the same had I gotten to keep my darling, but I must walk a slightly different path now. At least I never walk alone. I have my God, my family, my friends. Would I prefer to have him back? Yes. Would I rather find out that the tiny ember of hope that he would return to me is not in vain? Yes. Is that my tomorrow? Maybe. But it is not today. Today, I am hurting. Today, I strive to not need him. I love him. I will always love him. But I cannot marry him while he be in such a state. Maybe he will never look at me again like he once did. Maybe he will never understand that love is sacrifice. But I must not think about that right now.
     This is my 100th blog post. And I must say with it come some changes for me personally. Yeah I suppose you could say I'm simply picking up the strings from my life before my lover came. I would agree with you but would also say not quite. I had a dream that I was working toward. It took him to come into my life for me to realize that it was a selfish dream. Now that he is gone does not mean I should pursue that dream again. Yes part of it will be as if he never came along: I am writing again and saving money. What future I'm saving for now, I'm not sure. But I trust in God. It will work out according to His design and glory. I just have to keep listening.
     Today I deal with the pain of loss. Today I move forward but I'm not tossing aside the memories. Today I paint the sad sky but not forgetting to put in the little splash of color. Today I tell the tale of hurting but not forgetting to weave in the glimmer of hope. That is my blessing, my strength from God. No matter how dark the world, how fearful, how hurt, how sad, I don't see just the darkness for long. I am a silver line of God's tapestry, and I see the Light of the World. I may hold but a tiny candle that one time and another can be blown out or snuffed out, but it never stays out for long. It relights. And when I burn, I burn bright. I let the Love of God shine through me, which enables me to stand in the deepest darkness. I may carry scars, I may be hurting, I may tremble with worry or fear, but my smile always returns. I can be beat down. I have been broken before. But like the mystical Phoenix I rise again because I belong to and love my God before all else. He is my source of all my good qualities. And keeps me breathing, keeps me going day after day no matter what is thrown at me.
     I am old and I am new. I die little deaths. I am always learning, always growing. It is not pleasant. It is painful. But because of God I still have my smile, my joy, my endurance. This little warrior that is me drops her sword and cries. Often. I face everything with tears. But in the eyes of God my tears are diamonds that harden my weapons against the enemy and I rise up to a new day. I may suffer great pains in this life. I may cry tears over thousands and thousands of wrongs done not just to me but everyone. But my tears are prayers to Jesus. He counts every one. My voice is heard.
     Just like yours dear reader.

Silver Line

Valentine

     Yesterday, Valentine's Day, February 14th 2015. I lost the love of my life. No, he's not dead. He broke our engagement.
     "I love you so much. Please don't cry. I don't want to lose you." The words echo in my mind. A month ago I was fighting with regrets over certain things said and done between us. I told him if I were to escape it would be by suicide. Something snapped in him and he was silent for an entire week. When we spoke again, I tried to prove to him I would never do such a thing, that what I had meant was that had things been different I would have ended it.
     But he didn't take it. Time progressed and he continued to shut me out, in pain and constantly worried about our future. I tried everything I could think of, eventually taking the long distance away and driving over to see him yesterday. It only made things worse.
     I told him that love gives. I had meant to finish that with "I will keep giving no matter what because I love you." But I never got around to it. He turned to me in tears and said, "I can't. I can't keep giving. It hurts too much and won't go away. I'm sorry. It's over."
     At that time I remained dignified and gentle and tried to offer words of comfort to let him know that even though he was walking away I would still be there for him.
     I stayed the night at the home with his family. The next morning I awoke so numb I felt nothing and thought little. I was a ghost of sorts. After breakfast I was sitting on the stairs staring into space, feeling nothing, but then he came behind me concerned and just barely touched my back. In that second all my thoughts, memories, and emotions came flooding back all at once. I burst into sobs and cried hard enough that everyone in the house heard. He walked away instead of comforting me while his father tried to convince me to come down from the stairs and sit on the couch so as not to hurt myself and listened to broken words that spilled from my lips while my heart finally shattered.
     Please dear reader, if you have a valentine this year, hold your love very close and praise God you have someone. Because the feeling of betrayal from your one and only after you give and sacrifice everything and you blame yourself for hurting your love is incredibly hard to the breaking point.
     As for me, I must count my blessings of my time with him and pray that God uses our time alone instead of together for the betterment of both of us. And on that happier note,
     Happy Valentine's Day.

This Ring

Just a symbol, a little band they say.
Just a piece of metal with meaning.
Would you say the same of a crown?
But many agree to marriage,
and accept a ring placed around that special finger.
But though many tell of the wonder of love,
Only those who made that step and kept their promises
Would tell you that the ring is heavy.
It is a promise, a burden, a sacrifice.
It is a symbol of one of the deepest of bonds.
And this ring he put here, on my finger,
Laden with so much meaning.
I feel its weight now.
Absentmindedly I play with it,
Slipping it on my ring finger
And off onto my thumb.
Marveling it felt so light and loose when he first put it there.
Now I have to pull to get it to come.
I said yes. I chose him.
But even as hesitation and pain grow,
And not from me,
It feels sticky to my skin and heart.
It was I who hurt him.
I try to make amends,
fearfully, lovingly attempting to heal the breach.
Now this ring reminds me what I've done,
And what I must never do
If he decides to trust me again
And to keep me.
I am bound.
This ring, a symbol.
Of sacrifice.
I gave, and still give, my heart to him.
If necessary, I will give all
To ensure his well being.
And I broke that trust.
I hurt him.
What will he do now?
This ring - 
Once a symbol of his loyalty,
Now a symbol of my love.
This ring bears the weight of life.
Our future together.
In his hands.
And regardless his decision,
The ring he gave to me.
Regardless if he keeps me
Or turns away,
I shall keep this ring.
Forever.
I am bound.