Update On My Life

Whew! It's been crazy!

Well, my son is two months old now (8 weeks, not two months to the day - that's next week). Needless to say, I've been a little overwhelmed with it all.

October 6th, I went to my OB appointment, got diagnosed with preeclampsia, and was induced later that day. My kiddo was born at 38 weeks - early but not too early.

Labor was long due to it being an early induction - nearly 23 hours but I will say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Painful? Yes. But the pain had purpose behind it so it was easier to endure than I feared it would be. About 12 hours into labor I asked for an epidural just because I knew labor was going to be some time longer and I wanted to sleep to have energy to push once my baby was crowning. The staff during my labor and delivery were wonderful and when it came time to push, it happened so fast.

And suddenly he was on my chest. He was small, but he was perfect. My little, beautiful baby.

What more can I tell you? The first few days were rough - the hospital wanted him in the nursery under these blue lights (think they were called bilirubin lights) for his jaundice and all I wanted was to go home and for him to never leave my side so that was heartbreaking for me. Also what was hard was them taking to many blood draws from his tiny body. It left me very upset and untrusting of others  which I am still struggling with to this day. 

After that it was figuring out this little human. His needs, his growth. My world revolved around him. So small, so helpless, but he was mine. The love I had for him while pregnant grew exponentially once he was born. I had an idea how intense my love would be, but I didn't know for sure until it happened. 

So now my days are filled with diaper changes, feedings, and naps. For me on most days I'm running on fumes from being so sleep deprived, my jaw is in pain from bruxism at night (clenching my jaw from stress in my sleep), and my hormones only just recently have settled down from pregnancy. 

I am learning to be patient with a human who is not yet old enough to understand the concept of waiting. I am not a patient person, so this has been quite the challenge. I am also learning to know when to rely on my partner when I'm at my wits end and when to be the strong one for him when he is stressed. 

But something I have found so crazy - I have never been happier. Even with my not-so-pleasant pregnancy, the stress of being responsible for another human, and not having a clue what my life will be like in the future. Yet I know this is where I am meant to be. 

It may sound insane, but it's true. For most of my life I was constantly praying to God: "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do with my life?" I felt listless, like a wanderer with no path. But when I found out I was pregnant, everything changed.

In that moment, I was scared but determined. And I chose to love my baby. That's why I love him now. Not from any chemical, biological bond between mother and child. It only serves to reinforce what was already there: Love. Pure, unflinching, unapologetic Love. A gift given me by God. A love for life and humanity. A love I had everywhere I went - social life, work, home. I still remember the names and faces of those I served - those I served out of the Love that lives within me. Friends, neighbors, coworkers, customers. My life was dedicated to living out Love. Despite my mistakes. Despite my unworthiness. Despite flaws in myself and others, the Love pushed me forward. And it compelled me to choose the life of my kid over my fear of pregnancy and fear of commitment. In that moment, I chose Love, and eight months later in the moment that he was placed on my chest and he looked up at me, that Love rewarded my choice with a mother's love and joy.

And now my new journey begins.

Pregnancy - my personal scoop

 For those of you who know me, you know that I had it in my heart to adopt. I still want to. I want my son to have a sibling. But not biologically. I had no desire to ever experience pregnancy. But, here I am, 30 days away from due date, feeling every little wiggle, stretch, and hiccup of my baby and looking forward to meeting him and holding him for the first time. I am filled with excitement and anticipation, eagerly waiting for that day.

But let me tell you, at least for me, pregnancy sucks. I've been told a lot of women who want to be mothers love pregnancy and the process of growing a whole new human inside themselves. They get that "glow" and the attention and the gifts. Yes, I agree it's incredible that so much happens in the course of nine months and the formation of a human infant is an outright miracle, but it puts a toll on the body and the mind.

Not to scare any of you out there who want to be parents, but pregnancy is rough for a good many if not most who experience it. There are so many many things that can go wrong at any time just because of how complicated growing and nourishing such an intricate body is every single time. And no one can predict how a pregnancy will go. It's different from person to person and pregnancy to pregnancy.

What's insane to me is how many mothers don't seem to remember the difficulties of their pregnancies after labor. From my own research and asking mothers, it seems to me that the rush of hormones involved in giving birth and the love they feel for their newborn almost erases everything they went through beforehand.

So, with that in mind, I'm putting down everything I have experienced in pregnancy before I give birth so that you, dear reader get ALL the "symptoms" as they are called before I forget them. Not just so that you are aware of what I went through, but so that I am reminded of my experience and my resolve not to do it again.

Understand that this is only what I have gone through. I am one person, not a guarantee that anyone else will experience the same. I did my research, I asked my questions of my doctor and mothers in my life. I know what was normal, what was common, what to look out for or be concerned about. From what I can tell, I am average in a lot of areas. Some have experienced better, some far worse.

But there's a list. And it's a lot of little things. Let me break it down for you.

First trimester (from conception to 13 weeks gestation):

Keep in mind that most women are unaware of their own pregnancy for nearly the first half of the first trimester if they conceive the "old fashioned" way instead of in vitro fertilization (IVF) or anything like that. Whether or not one is trying to get pregnant, there isn't much to show for it in the first little bit. Some women experience "implantation bleeding" which can be like a light period or they can not be aware at all as was my case. I knew relatively quickly that I was pregnant though due to having a regular menstruation cycle. At somewhere between 4 and 5 weeks pregnant (and a week of waiting for a period to never show up), I took a test to confirm it.

The first symptom of pregnancy for me was easy: no period. 

Then I got sick. This symptom has been dubbed "morning sickness" though for me it was just as likely to happen at night as well as in the morning. Basically just pure nausea. I only threw up a few times in the first trimester and early second trimester, but the urge to upchuck, especially while I was eating, was frequent.

Then there was food aversions. Meals and foods I normally liked or would have no problem eating became almost guaranteed vomit inducers. Chew-able antacids became essential to consuming most meals. Thankfully the few times I did throw up were because the food was a little undercooked, which leaves me to believe that my body was just being protective. 

I couldn't eat eggs anymore. And having used to eat eggs nearly every morning, that caused a big change in my meals. Spicy food was out the window. I strangely didn't want to eat the skin on apples, so my hubby would cut the skin off for me. There was something else that I like that for a while I didn't want to look at let alone eat, but I can't recall what it was at the moment.

My emotions were out of whack. Due to rising hormones, I was more prone to suddenly change moods than normal.

I started to show (as in belly poking out just a little) late March (at around 10 weeks I think?).

Second trimester (weeks 14-27):

The nausea continued into the early portion of the second trimester. My aversions remained, but then came cravings.

Sometimes I wanted sweet foods, fluctuating from craving mint chocolate patties to peanut butter cups to cookies to brownies. Almost always chocolate.

Sometimes I wanted Doritos.

For the span of a few weeks all I craved was sour candy.

Then my bones hurt. And all I craved (and still do) was calcium rich foods. Lots and lots of dairy - milk, cheese, ice cream, you name it.

I started to gain weight, as everyone does during pregnancy. And was within the parameters set by my doctor, so we weren't concerned about it.

Pregnancy brain! Yes, it's a thing. Constantly forgetting things making me feel like a goldfish.

Stretch marks began to show up on my hips and the front of my belly. At my request, my husband started rubbing "belly butter" on my stretch marks to help moisturize my skin and lessen the itchiness that comes with a rapidly expanding belly.

Third trimester (weeks 28-currently 35 weeks 5 days):

Achy joints. Achy muscles. Always tired.

Congestion. Not from a cold, but rather from increased blood flow well everywhere.

The cravings have lessened, but heartburn is common just because my stomach doesn't have much room left.

Swollen body - mostly puffy feet and hands and a little in my face. Basically water retention leading to edema (the fancy word for swollen ankles). Shoes are tight and can't wear rings.

Higher blood pressure. Not hypertension yet, but doctor is wary.

Clumsiness. Expanding belly and heavier baby leading to a change in center of gravity and the hormone relaxin loosening the joints in my hands making dropping things a frequent occurrence.

Body dysmorphia. Big time. I look in the mirror and sigh. All these outward changes in my body making me unrecognizable to myself. Really hoping I go back to my pre-pregnancy body or at least close to it.

Well, I think that's everything. Probably forgot something anyway. Thanks pregnant brain! I hope some of you found this enlightening and informative. Please remember I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from having kids. Choosing to be a family is a massive decision that should not be taken lightly. However, having kids is an awesome responsibility, and I look forward to the years to come.

And maybe one day my own kid will read this post and know what I went through to bring him to the world and not take his momma for granted.

Prayers Unspoken

God of ancient Mystery
Lord of the Oldest Magic
Your eyes see beyond space and time
The great expanse cannot hold you
Yet you can dwell in the smallest of souls
Your Spirit cannot be bound
You come and go where You please
None can predict Your path
Unless You will it so
You shine in the darkest of places
You show Your hand in the worst of times
Your smile adorns the faces of the unworthy
You speak even when no one listens
And You answer prayers unspoken

Creator, Sustainer
The very breath I breathe is Yours
You never rest, ever watching
You sing over us as we sleep
Waiting the day You call us Home
You take every bad choice and twisted event
And work it into Your plan
Ever faithful, even when we fail
Ever whispering, even when we turn away
You hear the thoughts of people
Before they even think
You hear their voices
Before they can even speak
You see a breaking heart
And know what that one needs
You hear a bleeding soul
And know what to give them
Before they even ask

I failed You Lord
I made a choice
I turned from You
To pursue my own way
And yet You were there, waiting
You knew what I would do
And still You did not abandon me
Who am I to be given yet another chance
When others are only given one
Perhaps in Your plan
You knew this day would come
Even as life within me pulses
Life of questioned beginnings
You see what is yet to come
And You call it blessed

Had I been told long ago
This day would come
I would have laughed
"That is not for me"
But You saw it coming
So You made a plan to turn it around
Make it good
Make something beautiful grow from a mess
As the Phoenix rose from the Ashes of Humanity
2000 years ago
You saw the choice I would make yet said
"I Forgive"
So I could stand before You
Yet still I fall to my knees
Because I acknowledge who You Are

The smallest of yells
The loudest of whispers
The cries of joy of the animals
The forming of the earth
You are there
In the snowflakes and the magma
In the leaves and the stars
In the wind and the waves
In the ocean and the sky
You are there
And when I am breaking
You are there
You wrap me up
In an indescribable embrace
You speak with several voices
Yet Your Will is One

How could I have chosen myself over You
You who made the mouths of Humans
Who dare to utter words against You
Perhaps because I am yet Human too
So why did You create Humanity
If You knew this would be so
Perhaps because You knew
About me
And that I would need You
That I would need Someone
To answer prayers unspoken

Did ya miss me?

     Hello Reader. It's been awhile since I've written here.
     Life has changed so much since my last post, and especially in this past year.
     I am newly married (a story I plan to share with you soon) and growing a miracle inside myself (having a baby ya'll!), currently dealing with the whole Coronavirus pandemic, and the election nastiness (I'll say nothing more on that!), and the protests, and man this year is a mixed bag for me.
     But to focus on the good - at least in my little space, my little piece of life.
     When I turn my eyes away from everything going on outside (yes, I am one of the lucky ones who can afford staying at home during this pandemic), and look in the mirror, I see someone who has so much to be thankful for and happy about.
     I am safe. I am healthy. I have a great place with fantastic rent. I have no want for comforts. I can eat whatever I want (for the most part) whenever I want. I have a lot of things to occupy my time. I've got it good. This isn't me trying to brag, this is me being so grateful for what I have.
     My husband (eeee! That word!) is a fantastic, kind, caring, funny man who kisses me lovingly before heading to work every day (and yes he's staying safe too). He takes me and my craziness in stride, accepts me for who I am and loves me in spite of me. We look forward to finally meeting our kid and grow our family.
     It's when I look at Facebook and the world outside that I get overwhelmed, upset and depressed. But within the walls of my home, life is good. Sure, I don't have the social life I had before. Yes, my husband and I don't go out dancing currently (believe you me we will again someday!). Yeah, it's hard to stay in contact with friends (mostly that's on me - I'm terrible with long distance). But I have hope that one day I can step out and go have brunch or dessert with friends (old and new!), talking about the days before and spouses and kids and what lies ahead.
     I'll say that though being an adult is hard and rough and frustrating, there is much to enjoy. I've wanted to be a wife and a mother for a long time, but I didn't think it would be the way it is. But I am so glad the way things have turned out. It may not be how anyone planned it, and I am certainly not the woman my parents wanted me to be, but I could not be happier.
     I think this is where I'll leave it for now, but I'm glad to have written again. Hope to put more down in the near future so I can see you again soon!