February 12, 1813
Dear Kitty,
I write with you letter beside me. You and I both know that David would be a much better match for me. But surely David would never see me worthy. And I cannot stop thinking of Matthias. You say that I am young and I should wait. But I do not think that I should risk even implying my sentiments to David. I do not know if he would even want me! And I cannot bear the thought of how David's disposition towards me would change once he knew of my true feelings! What has Matthias done to make me love him you ask? I know not. Perhaps it is because I want to be wanted. Do I love him? I don't think I do in that manner Kitty. For when Matthias told me he was courting another, there was no jealousy in my heart. I was surprised that he had chosen another so quickly, but that quickly faded. Matthias is happy. I still hope that he will return for me, but I shall not pursue him. David is, after all, the better man. We share the same devotion to God. But Matthias. Oh Matthias. I see his face with my waking eyes. David is a noble, purple robed prince. But I am drawn to the knight in black. And we cannot be together. I love David, but my passion is for Matthias. My heart weeps. It is like all the stories. But if only I could reach Matthias' soul! The choice ought to be no choice at all! David and I are of one heart and soul, but Matthias shares my desires. To think that only the past year I had promised myself to deny all material and fleshly desires. And I beg with my eyes and trembling hands for Matthias' embrace. Oh that I had become a nun! That I had denied myself the company of men entirely! None of this would have happened!
I should not wish it away. I must live with the choices I made. And still time runs on. I have an eternity to win David's heart, but not with Matthias. Tomorrow could be one day too late to save him. If my death could bring Matthias' soul to God, I would give my life. But I do not have that power. Ans as long as Matthias' soul is lost, I cannot belong to him. I will not give myself to him no matter how much I feel for him. To do so, only to lose him forever would break this heart and make my life and love for him wasted time. So while I slowly build affection between myself and David, please pray for Matthias. As I unfold my heart to you and to God, pray that I will make the right decisions from now on. But I will never stop hoping.
Annabelle
Postscript: "All things worketh together for good..."
No comments:
Post a Comment