Yesterday, Valentine's Day, February 14th 2015. I lost the love of my life. No, he's not dead. He broke our engagement.
"I love you so much. Please don't cry. I don't want to lose you." The words echo in my mind. A month ago I was fighting with regrets over certain things said and done between us. I told him if I were to escape it would be by suicide. Something snapped in him and he was silent for an entire week. When we spoke again, I tried to prove to him I would never do such a thing, that what I had meant was that had things been different I would have ended it.
But he didn't take it. Time progressed and he continued to shut me out, in pain and constantly worried about our future. I tried everything I could think of, eventually taking the long distance away and driving over to see him yesterday. It only made things worse.
I told him that love gives. I had meant to finish that with "I will keep giving no matter what because I love you." But I never got around to it. He turned to me in tears and said, "I can't. I can't keep giving. It hurts too much and won't go away. I'm sorry. It's over."
At that time I remained dignified and gentle and tried to offer words of comfort to let him know that even though he was walking away I would still be there for him.
I stayed the night at the home with his family. The next morning I awoke so numb I felt nothing and thought little. I was a ghost of sorts. After breakfast I was sitting on the stairs staring into space, feeling nothing, but then he came behind me concerned and just barely touched my back. In that second all my thoughts, memories, and emotions came flooding back all at once. I burst into sobs and cried hard enough that everyone in the house heard. He walked away instead of comforting me while his father tried to convince me to come down from the stairs and sit on the couch so as not to hurt myself and listened to broken words that spilled from my lips while my heart finally shattered.
Please dear reader, if you have a valentine this year, hold your love very close and praise God you have someone. Because the feeling of betrayal from your one and only after you give and sacrifice everything and you blame yourself for hurting your love is incredibly hard to the breaking point.
As for me, I must count my blessings of my time with him and pray that God uses our time alone instead of together for the betterment of both of us. And on that happier note,
Happy Valentine's Day.
"I love you so much. Please don't cry. I don't want to lose you." The words echo in my mind. A month ago I was fighting with regrets over certain things said and done between us. I told him if I were to escape it would be by suicide. Something snapped in him and he was silent for an entire week. When we spoke again, I tried to prove to him I would never do such a thing, that what I had meant was that had things been different I would have ended it.
But he didn't take it. Time progressed and he continued to shut me out, in pain and constantly worried about our future. I tried everything I could think of, eventually taking the long distance away and driving over to see him yesterday. It only made things worse.
I told him that love gives. I had meant to finish that with "I will keep giving no matter what because I love you." But I never got around to it. He turned to me in tears and said, "I can't. I can't keep giving. It hurts too much and won't go away. I'm sorry. It's over."
At that time I remained dignified and gentle and tried to offer words of comfort to let him know that even though he was walking away I would still be there for him.
I stayed the night at the home with his family. The next morning I awoke so numb I felt nothing and thought little. I was a ghost of sorts. After breakfast I was sitting on the stairs staring into space, feeling nothing, but then he came behind me concerned and just barely touched my back. In that second all my thoughts, memories, and emotions came flooding back all at once. I burst into sobs and cried hard enough that everyone in the house heard. He walked away instead of comforting me while his father tried to convince me to come down from the stairs and sit on the couch so as not to hurt myself and listened to broken words that spilled from my lips while my heart finally shattered.
Please dear reader, if you have a valentine this year, hold your love very close and praise God you have someone. Because the feeling of betrayal from your one and only after you give and sacrifice everything and you blame yourself for hurting your love is incredibly hard to the breaking point.
As for me, I must count my blessings of my time with him and pray that God uses our time alone instead of together for the betterment of both of us. And on that happier note,
Happy Valentine's Day.
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