As I sit here in an old easy chair I am joined by my newest cat friend. She lays on me with her small head in my elbow and her backside and tail on my lap, occasionally stretching her long skinny legs up to dig her paws into my chest. I smile down at her and stroke her tiny nose with my finger.
Her little but warm black body and purring is comforting as I mourn the loss of a loved one. Both memories of the past and thoughts of the future do battle in my mind as I try to begin again. Forced to move on without my darling. Some days all I can do is cry. Other days I walk about feeling like a ghost I am so numb. But move on I must. I can't sit idle for long. The pain won't go away so I will use it as energy for my days ahead. I must never forget the past. Leave it behind, yes, but forgetting would be a mistake. A coward's way out.
Our lives are shaped by those around us, as we help shape others. I am who I am but my lessons of life and perspective of the world is greatly influenced because I loved a man who in the end could not love me back as I loved him and so he left me. Legally I am single again. But for the time being my heart is bound. Only he can release me. But by wrong ways. To see him sin like that would hurt me more than his leaving me. So for his sake I pray I remain alone so long as he continues to not choose me. If he returns, well I will only think that one through if it happens.
Expect the worst, hope for the best, and you will never be disappointed, as I always say. So I prepare a life of solitude, pouring my overflowing love into helping people and writing stories and volunteering for those in need. I would have done the the same had I gotten to keep my darling, but I must walk a slightly different path now. At least I never walk alone. I have my God, my family, my friends. Would I prefer to have him back? Yes. Would I rather find out that the tiny ember of hope that he would return to me is not in vain? Yes. Is that my tomorrow? Maybe. But it is not today. Today, I am hurting. Today, I strive to not need him. I love him. I will always love him. But I cannot marry him while he be in such a state. Maybe he will never look at me again like he once did. Maybe he will never understand that love is sacrifice. But I must not think about that right now.
This is my 100th blog post. And I must say with it come some changes for me personally. Yeah I suppose you could say I'm simply picking up the strings from my life before my lover came. I would agree with you but would also say not quite. I had a dream that I was working toward. It took him to come into my life for me to realize that it was a selfish dream. Now that he is gone does not mean I should pursue that dream again. Yes part of it will be as if he never came along: I am writing again and saving money. What future I'm saving for now, I'm not sure. But I trust in God. It will work out according to His design and glory. I just have to keep listening.
Today I deal with the pain of loss. Today I move forward but I'm not tossing aside the memories. Today I paint the sad sky but not forgetting to put in the little splash of color. Today I tell the tale of hurting but not forgetting to weave in the glimmer of hope. That is my blessing, my strength from God. No matter how dark the world, how fearful, how hurt, how sad, I don't see just the darkness for long. I am a silver line of God's tapestry, and I see the Light of the World. I may hold but a tiny candle that one time and another can be blown out or snuffed out, but it never stays out for long. It relights. And when I burn, I burn bright. I let the Love of God shine through me, which enables me to stand in the deepest darkness. I may carry scars, I may be hurting, I may tremble with worry or fear, but my smile always returns. I can be beat down. I have been broken before. But like the mystical Phoenix I rise again because I belong to and love my God before all else. He is my source of all my good qualities. And keeps me breathing, keeps me going day after day no matter what is thrown at me.
I am old and I am new. I die little deaths. I am always learning, always growing. It is not pleasant. It is painful. But because of God I still have my smile, my joy, my endurance. This little warrior that is me drops her sword and cries. Often. I face everything with tears. But in the eyes of God my tears are diamonds that harden my weapons against the enemy and I rise up to a new day. I may suffer great pains in this life. I may cry tears over thousands and thousands of wrongs done not just to me but everyone. But my tears are prayers to Jesus. He counts every one. My voice is heard.
Just like yours dear reader.
Silver Line
Her little but warm black body and purring is comforting as I mourn the loss of a loved one. Both memories of the past and thoughts of the future do battle in my mind as I try to begin again. Forced to move on without my darling. Some days all I can do is cry. Other days I walk about feeling like a ghost I am so numb. But move on I must. I can't sit idle for long. The pain won't go away so I will use it as energy for my days ahead. I must never forget the past. Leave it behind, yes, but forgetting would be a mistake. A coward's way out.
Our lives are shaped by those around us, as we help shape others. I am who I am but my lessons of life and perspective of the world is greatly influenced because I loved a man who in the end could not love me back as I loved him and so he left me. Legally I am single again. But for the time being my heart is bound. Only he can release me. But by wrong ways. To see him sin like that would hurt me more than his leaving me. So for his sake I pray I remain alone so long as he continues to not choose me. If he returns, well I will only think that one through if it happens.
Expect the worst, hope for the best, and you will never be disappointed, as I always say. So I prepare a life of solitude, pouring my overflowing love into helping people and writing stories and volunteering for those in need. I would have done the the same had I gotten to keep my darling, but I must walk a slightly different path now. At least I never walk alone. I have my God, my family, my friends. Would I prefer to have him back? Yes. Would I rather find out that the tiny ember of hope that he would return to me is not in vain? Yes. Is that my tomorrow? Maybe. But it is not today. Today, I am hurting. Today, I strive to not need him. I love him. I will always love him. But I cannot marry him while he be in such a state. Maybe he will never look at me again like he once did. Maybe he will never understand that love is sacrifice. But I must not think about that right now.
This is my 100th blog post. And I must say with it come some changes for me personally. Yeah I suppose you could say I'm simply picking up the strings from my life before my lover came. I would agree with you but would also say not quite. I had a dream that I was working toward. It took him to come into my life for me to realize that it was a selfish dream. Now that he is gone does not mean I should pursue that dream again. Yes part of it will be as if he never came along: I am writing again and saving money. What future I'm saving for now, I'm not sure. But I trust in God. It will work out according to His design and glory. I just have to keep listening.
Today I deal with the pain of loss. Today I move forward but I'm not tossing aside the memories. Today I paint the sad sky but not forgetting to put in the little splash of color. Today I tell the tale of hurting but not forgetting to weave in the glimmer of hope. That is my blessing, my strength from God. No matter how dark the world, how fearful, how hurt, how sad, I don't see just the darkness for long. I am a silver line of God's tapestry, and I see the Light of the World. I may hold but a tiny candle that one time and another can be blown out or snuffed out, but it never stays out for long. It relights. And when I burn, I burn bright. I let the Love of God shine through me, which enables me to stand in the deepest darkness. I may carry scars, I may be hurting, I may tremble with worry or fear, but my smile always returns. I can be beat down. I have been broken before. But like the mystical Phoenix I rise again because I belong to and love my God before all else. He is my source of all my good qualities. And keeps me breathing, keeps me going day after day no matter what is thrown at me.
I am old and I am new. I die little deaths. I am always learning, always growing. It is not pleasant. It is painful. But because of God I still have my smile, my joy, my endurance. This little warrior that is me drops her sword and cries. Often. I face everything with tears. But in the eyes of God my tears are diamonds that harden my weapons against the enemy and I rise up to a new day. I may suffer great pains in this life. I may cry tears over thousands and thousands of wrongs done not just to me but everyone. But my tears are prayers to Jesus. He counts every one. My voice is heard.
Just like yours dear reader.
Silver Line
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