Before I share this poem, please be aware that it is the view of one person; not everyone who suffers from functional mental disorder (neurosis/neuroticism) is the same way or has the same difficulties. However, this is indeed something that people suffer from and should not be brushed aside nor taken for granted. This piece is intended to be thought-provoking and bring to light a hidden part of this particular human being.
When You Have a Mind Like Mine,
a poem by a person with functional mental disorder
My brain is different.
I'm wired a little weird.
Most days I'm just like you.
I live life, go through normal things.
I'm happy, I get hurt, I get up again,
I freak out, I get stressed, I go to work,
I do my job, I hang out with friends, I laugh,
I live.
Most days, I'm just another person.
But every now and then, I'm not.
The struggle becomes harder, and I can barely function.
Dignity and social capability go out the window.
Emotional control and mental stability are lost.
In those moments I am in agony.
All I want is to be normal again.
Instead of thinking about a test score or a work project,
I pace in my bedroom, muttering nonsense.
Rather than planning a hangout or spending time on a hobby,
I'm laying on the floor, screaming silent screams.
I am broken, fluctuating on extremes -
euphoria to depression, bliss to raw anger.
Clawed hands grasp at my mind
and it takes everything within me to cling to God alone who hears me scream.
Those moments come and go.
I don't let other people see me or hear me.
I deny it of myself.
"It's not a part of my life, it's not who I am."
My parents told me I was fine.
I would grow out of it.
I was just being a drama queen,
seeking attention by being overly emotional.
"Stop crying, there's no need to cry about this and that."
I believed them.
My friends who knew told me I was delusional.
I agreed with them.
I told myself it was all in my head.
But that's just it.
It's my head that's "wrong."
My neurosis is real.
But I try to be normal, just so you don't see.
I just want to be an adult.
But sometimes it takes all my strength just to be "human."
Sometimes it's all I can do to smile at you,
to walk, to be around others, to talk, to listen.
Sometimes I wear a mask, pretending to be happy, pretending to be okay.
Other times I force myself to deny it,
to enjoy the moment of living at work or with friends just to get by,
only to go home to hours of pain and numbness.
I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity.
I don't want people to worry about me.
I'm speaking now to say that I'm an overcomer.
That I am strong.
I live in a beautiful world and I am beautiful too.
Let me show you just how much God has done in my life.
My strength comes from God.
You think you're having a hard time,
worried about the future, about relationships,
and life from the little to the big things?
How about adding functioning to that?
Don't you dare look down on me,
because my development and growth is slow,
and I have a moment of difficulty giving you extra grace when you fall short.
I don't mean to.
I have no intention on being harsh,
especially seeing as how I have no grounds to do so.
I treat you as I treat myself
and my life is just as difficult as yours
even when it doesn't seem that way to you on the outside.
Just because my battles are unseen
does not mean they are nonexistent.
Sometimes all I can do is breathe.
This is my untold story.
Please understand this does not make me stronger than you,
more special than you, nor any less than you.
We all have our battles.
I know your days are hard too.
So why can we not walk together?
Support each other when we struggle?
I cannot push people away when they lean on me,
please do not push me away when I lean on you.
I have been rejected, hurt, left behind so many times.
Please, please, please do not do the same.
Help me reach out to the hurting, to those rejected and left behind.
Let's be different.
When you have a mind like mine,
sometimes you just got to live.
When you have a heart like mine,
all you see are others trying to live.
Will you not reach out with me?
When You Have a Mind Like Mine,
a poem by a person with functional mental disorder
My brain is different.
I'm wired a little weird.
Most days I'm just like you.
I live life, go through normal things.
I'm happy, I get hurt, I get up again,
I freak out, I get stressed, I go to work,
I do my job, I hang out with friends, I laugh,
I live.
Most days, I'm just another person.
But every now and then, I'm not.
The struggle becomes harder, and I can barely function.
Dignity and social capability go out the window.
Emotional control and mental stability are lost.
In those moments I am in agony.
All I want is to be normal again.
Instead of thinking about a test score or a work project,
I pace in my bedroom, muttering nonsense.
Rather than planning a hangout or spending time on a hobby,
I'm laying on the floor, screaming silent screams.
I am broken, fluctuating on extremes -
euphoria to depression, bliss to raw anger.
Clawed hands grasp at my mind
and it takes everything within me to cling to God alone who hears me scream.
Those moments come and go.
I don't let other people see me or hear me.
I deny it of myself.
"It's not a part of my life, it's not who I am."
My parents told me I was fine.
I would grow out of it.
I was just being a drama queen,
seeking attention by being overly emotional.
"Stop crying, there's no need to cry about this and that."
I believed them.
My friends who knew told me I was delusional.
I agreed with them.
I told myself it was all in my head.
But that's just it.
It's my head that's "wrong."
My neurosis is real.
But I try to be normal, just so you don't see.
I just want to be an adult.
But sometimes it takes all my strength just to be "human."
Sometimes it's all I can do to smile at you,
to walk, to be around others, to talk, to listen.
Sometimes I wear a mask, pretending to be happy, pretending to be okay.
Other times I force myself to deny it,
to enjoy the moment of living at work or with friends just to get by,
only to go home to hours of pain and numbness.
I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity.
I don't want people to worry about me.
I'm speaking now to say that I'm an overcomer.
That I am strong.
I live in a beautiful world and I am beautiful too.
Let me show you just how much God has done in my life.
My strength comes from God.
You think you're having a hard time,
worried about the future, about relationships,
and life from the little to the big things?
How about adding functioning to that?
Don't you dare look down on me,
because my development and growth is slow,
and I have a moment of difficulty giving you extra grace when you fall short.
I don't mean to.
I have no intention on being harsh,
especially seeing as how I have no grounds to do so.
I treat you as I treat myself
and my life is just as difficult as yours
even when it doesn't seem that way to you on the outside.
Just because my battles are unseen
does not mean they are nonexistent.
Sometimes all I can do is breathe.
This is my untold story.
Please understand this does not make me stronger than you,
more special than you, nor any less than you.
We all have our battles.
I know your days are hard too.
So why can we not walk together?
Support each other when we struggle?
I cannot push people away when they lean on me,
please do not push me away when I lean on you.
I have been rejected, hurt, left behind so many times.
Please, please, please do not do the same.
Help me reach out to the hurting, to those rejected and left behind.
Let's be different.
When you have a mind like mine,
sometimes you just got to live.
When you have a heart like mine,
all you see are others trying to live.
Will you not reach out with me?
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