Not a day goes by that I don't think of the one that I once upon a time dared to call mine. As it is with my gift, I see into someone when I am most vulnerable - held. Over and over I sought his arms, received his hugs, felt his gentle but strong embrace, or clasped our hands together. Over and over when I least expected to, I was looking into him. And I saw something wondrous, but so very normal.
A soul. The average human soul. The good and the bad. His faults, his weaknesses, his strengths, his beautiful inner qualities. I saw a human - broken, but seeking healing; bright, but foolish; so much experience, so very young. God allowed me to see his potential for good or evil - to stay on the path of pursuing God or to turn to his own corruption and hurt others before his own demise.
And God said to me, "he is worth it. Just as you are worth it. I died for you and him. My Blood was shed for the world. Love him." So I did. I gave. I gave time, attention, effort, devotion, care, and trust to the man who claimed to love me. He promised he would always be there for me and would love me long after I was gone. In asking me to marry him, he promised that he would take care of me.
I was betrayed.
One day, he ended our relationship. And shortly after that, refused to speak to me again. Cut off all ties to me. I was devastated, left broken, feeling unwanted, unloved, and worthless. All the plans for "our" future down the drain. My looking forward to raising a family with him and us growing old together brought to dust. My dream of spending the rest of my days by the side of a young man who was my constant excitement (in so many different ways) and the one who I wished was my best friend (too late), shattered.
I was his attraction, his crush, his girl, his bride-to-be. Until I was so lost in serving and loving him that I put aside everything else, including my relationship with God. I forgot my purpose. And then when my time of serving my love was over, I could not let go. I kept trying to hold onto a man who was not as committed as I. He would not make the sacrifice that is required for any good relationship to continue.
And I refused to let go. Told the world I had "moved on" like that was the magic thing to do. But the harder I tried to move on, the harder I tried to forget, the worse I became. I returned to God and kept my passion for seeking His face alone. And as I did so, the pain did not go away, but rather became productive. A few faults and weaknesses of mine were being burned away. I was being refined. I slipped and sinned a couple of times but was reminded again just how merciful and forgiving God is. And the fire burned brighter.
The pain, suffered spiritually and emotionally, took its toll on my body, but that was easier to hide than the rest. The pain became almost unbearable from time to time, but I would lift my hurting and problems and prayers up, and in return was given peace and strength for another day. A thousand times I cried over the loss of my love, a thousand times became angry over the betrayal, a thousand times was moved to forgive him, a thousand times attempted to forget him, a thousand times I prayed for his growth as a human and as a man of God, a thousand times I prayed for his well-being and safety. God does not like to see any one of us hurting, but because of the world we live in, we often must. Burning away the sinful nature is a painful process, but it must be done in order for God's light to shine. At least the answer is simple: He is the Flame, the Consuming Fire.
And if I was given a thousand chances to relive my life a different way, I would live it as I did. Mistakes and everything. Because God is Sovereign. Who am I to question His Design from all of it? I am but a vessel. It was in God's plan for me to love. There was purpose there. And though I received pain because of it, I also learned a deeper level of God's love for us all.
A thousand times over I would make the sacrifice of risking so much to give to another. A thousand times over I would still not try to pursue a man already gone because my time with him was over. A thousand times over I would forgive, but not forget. A thousand times over I would let God work through me. I am but a vessel. A human with baggage, but forgiven baggage. Living for the honour of serving God for His glory.
A soul. The average human soul. The good and the bad. His faults, his weaknesses, his strengths, his beautiful inner qualities. I saw a human - broken, but seeking healing; bright, but foolish; so much experience, so very young. God allowed me to see his potential for good or evil - to stay on the path of pursuing God or to turn to his own corruption and hurt others before his own demise.
And God said to me, "he is worth it. Just as you are worth it. I died for you and him. My Blood was shed for the world. Love him." So I did. I gave. I gave time, attention, effort, devotion, care, and trust to the man who claimed to love me. He promised he would always be there for me and would love me long after I was gone. In asking me to marry him, he promised that he would take care of me.
I was betrayed.
One day, he ended our relationship. And shortly after that, refused to speak to me again. Cut off all ties to me. I was devastated, left broken, feeling unwanted, unloved, and worthless. All the plans for "our" future down the drain. My looking forward to raising a family with him and us growing old together brought to dust. My dream of spending the rest of my days by the side of a young man who was my constant excitement (in so many different ways) and the one who I wished was my best friend (too late), shattered.
I was his attraction, his crush, his girl, his bride-to-be. Until I was so lost in serving and loving him that I put aside everything else, including my relationship with God. I forgot my purpose. And then when my time of serving my love was over, I could not let go. I kept trying to hold onto a man who was not as committed as I. He would not make the sacrifice that is required for any good relationship to continue.
And I refused to let go. Told the world I had "moved on" like that was the magic thing to do. But the harder I tried to move on, the harder I tried to forget, the worse I became. I returned to God and kept my passion for seeking His face alone. And as I did so, the pain did not go away, but rather became productive. A few faults and weaknesses of mine were being burned away. I was being refined. I slipped and sinned a couple of times but was reminded again just how merciful and forgiving God is. And the fire burned brighter.
The pain, suffered spiritually and emotionally, took its toll on my body, but that was easier to hide than the rest. The pain became almost unbearable from time to time, but I would lift my hurting and problems and prayers up, and in return was given peace and strength for another day. A thousand times I cried over the loss of my love, a thousand times became angry over the betrayal, a thousand times was moved to forgive him, a thousand times attempted to forget him, a thousand times I prayed for his growth as a human and as a man of God, a thousand times I prayed for his well-being and safety. God does not like to see any one of us hurting, but because of the world we live in, we often must. Burning away the sinful nature is a painful process, but it must be done in order for God's light to shine. At least the answer is simple: He is the Flame, the Consuming Fire.
And if I was given a thousand chances to relive my life a different way, I would live it as I did. Mistakes and everything. Because God is Sovereign. Who am I to question His Design from all of it? I am but a vessel. It was in God's plan for me to love. There was purpose there. And though I received pain because of it, I also learned a deeper level of God's love for us all.
A thousand times over I would make the sacrifice of risking so much to give to another. A thousand times over I would still not try to pursue a man already gone because my time with him was over. A thousand times over I would forgive, but not forget. A thousand times over I would let God work through me. I am but a vessel. A human with baggage, but forgiven baggage. Living for the honour of serving God for His glory.
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