June 4, 1813
Dear Kitty,
I know you have pressed me on and on to tell you more of Matthias. You complain every time I write and fail to mention him. To tell you the truth Kitty, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about him. I have tried to forget him, but the harder I try the more he comes to mind. Yes sister there was not a happy ending. I shall explain in a moment.
In the market, in the square, and in the papers I manage to catch little things about him from others. The news trickles in and how my heart beats in different times! My emotions - since the event that lost him from me - for the longest time have been in disarray. That is one of the reasons why I did not tell you anymore of him for a while. I could not understand my own feelings and thoughts, let alone voice them.
I have felt them all Kitty. First the feeling of betrayal - oh how I abhor this emotion! - the pain inside was enough to kill one. And sorrow is an illness that robs the body of want to live. Anger is a poison to the soul - it stole my heart out from under me, and yet made my mind all the clearer in intellect.
Darling Kitty I mentioned Matthias not because every time someone spoke of him or I thought of him I battled a monster within. All I wanted was him. I always got everything I ever wanted or knew to be content without it. Not with him. I wanted him. So terribly. I want him still. And the knowledge that I must not, can not have him fills me with such selfish pain. My flesh screams out for an embrace that must never come. I must never give in.
I played with fire. It was warm, it was bright, it was exciting. But if I let myself too close, I will burn to ash.
And yet I praise God. This is the peak of learning who I am. What I am capable of. Where there is weakness on my life. If I had learned of womanly lust as an older woman, independent and without guiding parents and loving cousins and sister, I might have been persuaded to take the wrong path. The hand of mighty God has held me back, has taught me of strength as this young age to face my life with my head held high because I have denied the flesh. And as long as I cling to the Almighty I will remain victorious over all desires.
Yes, Kitty. Matthias is gone. Tension arose between myself and Mother and Father. And Matthias would wait no longer for me. He found another woman. He has moved on. And he is happy. Lord be praised, for I could not bear it if he was unhappy because of me. Has Matthias forgotten me? I do not doubt it. But I am pleased for that. Let there be no unhappy memories. I am hurt. It was to be expected.
I am to blame for all this. But I do not regret it. Is it wrong for me to think this? We ought to say so. And yet, had I not made that "wrong choice" to encourage Matthias' affections in the first place, would I not still be as naïve of such matters of relationships as I had been? Yes. Though ignorance and naiveté be a blissful state. You and Mother and Father and Aunt tell me of the world outside that I had been so carefully guarded from and only told about. And yet I stepped outside.
You know me Kitty. It is so unlike me to do such a thing as to be involved with a heathen man. And that is putting it delicately. If Mother and Father tell anyone of my falling in love with Matthias, my reputation shall be in ruins, for everyone would assume that I had gone the whole way - committed an unpardonable act of today's society. You know what I speak of Kitty. You know I have not done it. Though in my monstrous state I spoke of I almost wished it.
Though no one is happy the way things are now, now that I know that this - though perhaps not the best way - is what is meant to happen. Things had to take their due course. Praise God. I am whole again. I am well. I have learned of life. Though this was a hard lesson to learn, this is the better path.
God watched over me. I have grown again. I am at peace once more.
My love,
Annabelle
Dear Kitty,
I know you have pressed me on and on to tell you more of Matthias. You complain every time I write and fail to mention him. To tell you the truth Kitty, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about him. I have tried to forget him, but the harder I try the more he comes to mind. Yes sister there was not a happy ending. I shall explain in a moment.
In the market, in the square, and in the papers I manage to catch little things about him from others. The news trickles in and how my heart beats in different times! My emotions - since the event that lost him from me - for the longest time have been in disarray. That is one of the reasons why I did not tell you anymore of him for a while. I could not understand my own feelings and thoughts, let alone voice them.
I have felt them all Kitty. First the feeling of betrayal - oh how I abhor this emotion! - the pain inside was enough to kill one. And sorrow is an illness that robs the body of want to live. Anger is a poison to the soul - it stole my heart out from under me, and yet made my mind all the clearer in intellect.
Darling Kitty I mentioned Matthias not because every time someone spoke of him or I thought of him I battled a monster within. All I wanted was him. I always got everything I ever wanted or knew to be content without it. Not with him. I wanted him. So terribly. I want him still. And the knowledge that I must not, can not have him fills me with such selfish pain. My flesh screams out for an embrace that must never come. I must never give in.
I played with fire. It was warm, it was bright, it was exciting. But if I let myself too close, I will burn to ash.
And yet I praise God. This is the peak of learning who I am. What I am capable of. Where there is weakness on my life. If I had learned of womanly lust as an older woman, independent and without guiding parents and loving cousins and sister, I might have been persuaded to take the wrong path. The hand of mighty God has held me back, has taught me of strength as this young age to face my life with my head held high because I have denied the flesh. And as long as I cling to the Almighty I will remain victorious over all desires.
Yes, Kitty. Matthias is gone. Tension arose between myself and Mother and Father. And Matthias would wait no longer for me. He found another woman. He has moved on. And he is happy. Lord be praised, for I could not bear it if he was unhappy because of me. Has Matthias forgotten me? I do not doubt it. But I am pleased for that. Let there be no unhappy memories. I am hurt. It was to be expected.
I am to blame for all this. But I do not regret it. Is it wrong for me to think this? We ought to say so. And yet, had I not made that "wrong choice" to encourage Matthias' affections in the first place, would I not still be as naïve of such matters of relationships as I had been? Yes. Though ignorance and naiveté be a blissful state. You and Mother and Father and Aunt tell me of the world outside that I had been so carefully guarded from and only told about. And yet I stepped outside.
You know me Kitty. It is so unlike me to do such a thing as to be involved with a heathen man. And that is putting it delicately. If Mother and Father tell anyone of my falling in love with Matthias, my reputation shall be in ruins, for everyone would assume that I had gone the whole way - committed an unpardonable act of today's society. You know what I speak of Kitty. You know I have not done it. Though in my monstrous state I spoke of I almost wished it.
Though no one is happy the way things are now, now that I know that this - though perhaps not the best way - is what is meant to happen. Things had to take their due course. Praise God. I am whole again. I am well. I have learned of life. Though this was a hard lesson to learn, this is the better path.
God watched over me. I have grown again. I am at peace once more.
My love,
Annabelle
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