I Broke the Rules

I broke the rules.
I did a thing.
But I have no guilt, I have no shame.
Is it because I've done this deed before?
Or because I misunderstand the rules?
All my life I've been told one way.
And the Word of Life that I hold dear,
     seems to agree with what they say.
But then why do I have no conviction?
When I hold God's hand, when I yearn for the Truth?
Why do I feel no wrong?
I was given my conscience for a reason.
I've been learning to listen to the Spirit.
Then why does she seem so silent?
Have I grown deaf?
Or is this a thorn in my side?
A sin that will plague my humanness for my life?
Oh God my God, I do not understand.
Lead me in Your way.
Show me what I must do.
So many preach this a heavy sin, but I feel no weight.
Yet I do not feel peace, a sure sign that my steps are not quite right.
Which way do I turn to walk Your path again?
Or have I faltered at all?
My Lord, I do not understand.
I am still sinking into You, regardless of the sides I swing.
So who do I listen to, as deep calls unto deep?
Whose voices are you using to reach me?
I am not alone in this.
Surely You know my worries and fears.
It seems to them that I broke the rules.
So where is the discipline, or the gentle nudge?
Or are you letting me stray so that I'll get lost again?
So that in my despair I'll cry to You? Run to You?
Is this what it takes?
Am I so stubborn to not see the pit before I fall?
Open my eyes.
Open my ears.
Let me hear You.
Let me see You.
I know You're there.
You're still guiding me.
Then tell me why do I not feel the rumble strip,
     warning me of impending danger?
Why do I not feel the Wind pushing me back to You?
Is this sin?
Have I truly taken two steps back?
Become despicable?
A wretch once more?
Tell me this is not true.
I'm not a monster.
I'm made new in You.
So why am I numb to this, according to them?
     They who are Your people?
They are not perfect, but then neither am I.
Is this my imperfection?
Tell me, Perfect One,
     did I break the rules?

Nothing Stays

The Great Irony: Nothing Stays.
Humans are creatures of habit but change is inevitable.
Permanency is a construct - an ideal.
Nothing stays the same forever.
And yet we expect it such.
We yearn for a stability, a comfort, a truth.
But feelings fade, decisions are made.
Jobs change, situations arise.
Accidents, fatal mistakes, and disease occur.
The changes happen
and the adult longs for the good moments to stay.
But
The child wants to grow up.
The teenager seeks after dreams.
The single craves the relationship.
The lover longs for commitment.
The unhappily married desires renewed freedom.
But few consider the consequences.
The ramifications behind every single life choice.
The truth that every human is a hurricane,
leaving disaster in their wake
focused solely on a specific goal
unaware of the lives of others changed forever.
The child loses their naivete and innocence.
The teenager is broken.
The single is tricked again.
The lover is abandoned.
The divorcee affecting the entire family and not just their own life.
And yet, inside every wandering hurricane is an eye.
A heart in the eye of the storm, pursuing another.
Wishing for something endless.
Time becomes but a thought - a way of remembering the past and measuring potential future.
We live a way of life, expecting it to remain the same.
Developing callouses, until we get cut.
Going to work the same way for years, only to end up in a crash.
Diagnosed for a incurable sickness.
Dating someone, loving someone, only to be alone once more.
Living alone only to have to accept a new life into your space.
Fired, moving, evicted, betrayed, dying.
We cannot handle the change.
But change was the only constant here.
What were you expecting?
Gotten too comfortable?
Nothing stays.
Nothing stays, nothing permanent, no one lives forever.
And the suicide rates climb.
Death is not an escape either, my friend.
An ending not the constant to pursue.
For though you think you change nothing for no one else,
Your death will alter the still alive.
Nothing stays.
But we crave the spark of eternity.
I see your spark.
In each and every breathing life.
The darkness, the pain, the past.
The light, the joy, the strength, the hope, the power inside of you.
I see it.
If even for a brief instant.
Like a comet in the night sky, here and gone.
But it was there.
And that is enough for me to have known you for a time.
Although I am saddened yet again.
Although I am not satisfied in life for nothing stays,
the knowledge that the eternal exists is enough to drive me forward.
To see the next spark.
And the next one.
And the next.
Some of you I will know for months, even years.
Others only in passing.
But still I see it.
You don't stay.
Nothing stays.
But you don't have to stay.
I've stopped begging for the change to never come, for my loved ones to stay.
Nothing stays.
But when it's gone, when you go,
you leave behind the memory, the taste, of the spark inside of you.
That tiny bit of life gives me hope and life.
I've stopped focusing on being alone, left behind by the falling stars.
For now I see the galaxies, the stars beyond.
For now I see the shapes of the stones in the River.
For now I see the Eternal in the mortal, Infinity in the finite.
Life in the face of Death.
The promise of the permanent in the fickle.
The ocean in the tide.
I see it.
The Great Irony: Nothing Stays in the Light of Eternity.

A Heart is a Place

     A heart is a place, not a possession. Somewhere to be welcomed into, not a thing to be given away. To let someone into your life, your heart, is to let them into a portion of yourself. You don't have to share everything with that person. They don't have to own you. They don't have to have all of you. If anything it is better that you keep a portion to yourself and not give that power to another person.
     A heart is a place. A home that houses you. It is a place that carries memories, sometimes has secrets, holds insecurities, and remains your safe zone. It is a place that bears pride, records joy, holds a beautiful entity, and above all defines you. Your innermost values live there. You choose who gets to take residence there, whether temporarily or permanently.
     Who you choose to let enter in can determine a lot about you and the future. Do you let that person leave treasured memories? Do they trash the place, leaving you damaged and in need of repairs and cleaning up? Who are those you get close to? How much do you let them in? How valuable and essential are they to you and your life?
     A heart is a place. I've let family, friends, and a lover in. Some I still welcome in from time to time. Others I never want to let in again. The walls are lined with memories. I am marked, changed, by the people I let in. I used to say my heart was broken and now healed. I used to say I have scars. Not anymore. I understand now. This place, this space that is mine that some get to see, to know, to touch, is affected by those people. But it is still mine. I choose who goes, who remains. I choose who I value and who I disavow. I choose who I love and who I forget.
     For now, permanent residence is myself and God. God comes first. God will remain. He's the whole reason why this heart still stands. Someday I may choose to let a fellow human in forever, but for now, I only carry memories of some I held close and sometimes let in those who are precious to me today. But I am careful of who gets to see inside my heart. Yes, I still make mistakes with who to trust, and even then some who have proven themselves trustworthy to spend time with the most vulnerable part of me fall short from time to time.
     If I have showed you myself, please be grateful. I am protective of me. And I might not let you in again for a long while, or even at all. If I have not let you into my heart, perhaps a day will come when I do. I wish I could with all people but right now my heart is not big enough nor strong enough for everyone. Only God's is big enough for that. But at least we are somewhat like Him in that we can share. It is a beautiful thing for another precious heart's doorway to open and we can pass through.
     A heart is a place. A precious, wonderful place. Visitors come knocking, thieves come to try to steal and destroy, some try to manipulate and control, and others prove themselves careless. But there are some who understand that it is a high honor to be welcomed in and that they might not have tomorrow in that place. A few who hold their own heart to a high value and value those who let them close. Choose carefully who crosses the threshold. It will determine who you become, what your heart looks like after the fact.
     Your heart is a place. It is not simply an emotional thing. It is a part of your soul. It is you.