I Broke the Rules

I broke the rules.
I did a thing.
But I have no guilt, I have no shame.
Is it because I've done this deed before?
Or because I misunderstand the rules?
All my life I've been told one way.
And the Word of Life that I hold dear,
     seems to agree with what they say.
But then why do I have no conviction?
When I hold God's hand, when I yearn for the Truth?
Why do I feel no wrong?
I was given my conscience for a reason.
I've been learning to listen to the Spirit.
Then why does she seem so silent?
Have I grown deaf?
Or is this a thorn in my side?
A sin that will plague my humanness for my life?
Oh God my God, I do not understand.
Lead me in Your way.
Show me what I must do.
So many preach this a heavy sin, but I feel no weight.
Yet I do not feel peace, a sure sign that my steps are not quite right.
Which way do I turn to walk Your path again?
Or have I faltered at all?
My Lord, I do not understand.
I am still sinking into You, regardless of the sides I swing.
So who do I listen to, as deep calls unto deep?
Whose voices are you using to reach me?
I am not alone in this.
Surely You know my worries and fears.
It seems to them that I broke the rules.
So where is the discipline, or the gentle nudge?
Or are you letting me stray so that I'll get lost again?
So that in my despair I'll cry to You? Run to You?
Is this what it takes?
Am I so stubborn to not see the pit before I fall?
Open my eyes.
Open my ears.
Let me hear You.
Let me see You.
I know You're there.
You're still guiding me.
Then tell me why do I not feel the rumble strip,
     warning me of impending danger?
Why do I not feel the Wind pushing me back to You?
Is this sin?
Have I truly taken two steps back?
Become despicable?
A wretch once more?
Tell me this is not true.
I'm not a monster.
I'm made new in You.
So why am I numb to this, according to them?
     They who are Your people?
They are not perfect, but then neither am I.
Is this my imperfection?
Tell me, Perfect One,
     did I break the rules?