When You Have a Mind Like Mine (a poem about mental disorder)

     Before I share this poem, please be aware that it is the view of one person; not everyone who suffers from functional mental disorder (neurosis/neuroticism) is the same way or has the same difficulties. However, this is indeed something that people suffer from and should not be brushed aside nor taken for granted. This piece is intended to be thought-provoking and bring to light a hidden part of this particular human being.


When You Have a Mind Like Mine,
a poem by a person with functional mental disorder


My brain is different.
I'm wired a little weird.
Most days I'm just like you.
I live life, go through normal things.
I'm happy, I get hurt, I get up again,
I freak out, I get stressed, I go to work,
I do my job, I hang out with friends, I laugh,
I live.
Most days, I'm just another person.
But every now and then, I'm not.
The struggle becomes harder, and I can barely function.
Dignity and social capability go out the window.
Emotional control and mental stability are lost.
In those moments I am in agony.
All I want is to be normal again.
Instead of thinking about a test score or a work project,
I pace in my bedroom, muttering nonsense.
Rather than planning a hangout or spending time on a hobby,
I'm laying on the floor, screaming silent screams.
I am broken, fluctuating on extremes -
euphoria to depression, bliss to raw anger.
Clawed hands grasp at my mind
and it takes everything within me to cling to God alone who hears me scream.
Those moments come and go.
I don't let other people see me or hear me.
I deny it of myself.
"It's not a part of my life, it's not who I am."
My parents told me I was fine.
I would grow out of it.
I was just being a drama queen,
seeking attention by being overly emotional.
"Stop crying, there's no need to cry about this and that."
I believed them.
My friends who knew told me I was delusional.
I agreed with them.
I told myself it was all in my head.
But that's just it.
It's my head that's "wrong."
My neurosis is real.
But I try to be normal, just so you don't see.
I just want to be an adult.
But sometimes it takes all my strength just to be "human."
Sometimes it's all I can do to smile at you,
to walk, to be around others, to talk, to listen.
Sometimes I wear a mask, pretending to be happy, pretending to be okay.
Other times I force myself to deny it,
to enjoy the moment of living at work or with friends just to get by,
only to go home to hours of pain and numbness.
I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity.
I don't want people to worry about me.
I'm speaking now to say that I'm an overcomer.
That I am strong.
I live in a beautiful world and I am beautiful too.
Let me show you just how much God has done in my life.
My strength comes from God.
You think you're having a hard time,
worried about the future, about relationships,
and life from the little to the big things?
How about adding functioning to that?
Don't you dare look down on me,
because my development and growth is slow,
and I have a moment of difficulty giving you extra grace when you fall short.
I don't mean to.
I have no intention on being harsh,
especially seeing as how I have no grounds to do so.
I treat you as I treat myself
and my life is just as difficult as yours
even when it doesn't seem that way to you on the outside.
Just because my battles are unseen
does not mean they are nonexistent.
Sometimes all I can do is breathe.
This is my untold story.
Please understand this does not make me stronger than you,
more special than you, nor any less than you.
We all have our battles.
I know your days are hard too.
So why can we not walk together?
Support each other when we struggle?
I cannot push people away when they lean on me,
please do not push me away when I lean on you.
I have been rejected, hurt, left behind so many times.
Please, please, please do not do the same.
Help me reach out to the hurting, to those rejected and left behind.
Let's be different.
When you have a mind like mine,
sometimes you just got to live.
When you have a heart like mine,
all you see are others trying to live.
Will you not reach out with me?

Let Me Linger (a poem)

Let me linger here.
Let me stay a little longer.
I feel the world spinning on, time passing like an afternoon breeze.
Let me memorize you, searing the moment into my mind.
Altogether too soon, you'll be gone from me.
What is fresh now will dim so quickly,
once this time has passed.
Let me linger here.
Let me touch your face, you heart, one last time.
I let you in, I let you change a part of my life,
Your voice impacts me still.
You inspire me and torment me to grow.
But it's time you left, I cannot keep you here.
Time withers beyond my grasp.
Were you mine I could beg you to stay with me.
But the spark you shared with me is not meant for me alone.
How I wish I could be safe, always,
here, with you by my side.
Let me linger where you are.
Let me breathe in your presence.
I see everything you've done for me, for others.
I've watched you in admiration as you selflessly gave.
Do you not see how precious you are?
Why I name you of so much worth?
Your uniqueness draws me to you.
Your gentleness combined with strength sets you apart.
What I would give to ensure you remain,
keeping you close enough to hold.
But even now you're not that near.
You came close enough to touch me,
yet when I reach out to pull you in, you're far away.
Comet among the stars, here for a time, then gone.
If I cannot make you stay, though I wish you would stay,
I ought to muster the courage to ask you to return.
But before you leave,
Let me linger.
Feel your touch once again,
Hear your music one last time.
I will not cling to you,
I will not keep you beside me,
I will not demand your loyalty only to me,
only let me see your face once more.
Let me linger,
in joy, in peace.
Let me smile,
laugh, dance.
One more time.
I shall try to only let the tears come
once you're gone from view.
But please, don't walk away so fast.
Don't push me away.
Don't keep me at a distance.
Don't hurt me like others have before.
You have proven yourself different, better.
You rely on the God I love.
That is why I hold you so precious.
I have seen the Spirit guide you.
The Spirit that I pursue.
A tiny portion, like a puzzle piece, within you,
I have seen it, and I have loved it.
Yet your time here is drawing to a close.
Go, show the world what I have seen in you.
But I am human, and remain wanting more.
So I ask for a little bit more for myself before the end.
Please, while you're here,
let me linger.

The Sighs of A Cheshire

I would have you hear my voice,
I would not have you pity that I am mute.
I want you to know my story,
please still listen while I struggle to communicate.
I would have you share your past,
and not turn away from my deafness.
I would have you know my mind,
please don't try to fix my insanity.
I would have you show your feelings,
and not have you be offended by mine.
Come near, look behind my smile.
Why do you let me rave,
only to walk away?
Oh but such are humans,
paradoxical in nature.
We seek likeness, not difference.
We desire continuity,
but forget our own missteps.
We judge, misguide, struggle.
We hide, we lie, we lash out.
Masquerade.
Moving in the dance.
I tire of it.
I am weary of wearing a mask.
But a portion of myself is dark indeed.
An operatic Phantom sings a lullaby.
Not all of me is darkness,
the spark of faith that keeps me alight, alive, remains.
But time and again my mind has betrayed me.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
I am so weak.
Frail, and a fool.
Quite mad, in need of assurance, support.
I cannot walk this path alone.
But I am frightened. So frightened.
I have been hurt before, by those I trusted deeply.
I shared my mind, showed my madness,
and they turned from me,
told me they never cared to begin with.
I think I might be better off in Wonderland.
But that is not where I am meant to be.
I cannot stay for long in this insanity.
I've been here far too long.
But I see no end, just more tunnel.
Someone pull me from the Matrix,
show me how to live without a spoon.
No time-turner could save me from myself,
no magic spell could free me from my own cage.
Do you not see it?
The pain behind my smile?
The scars under the paint?
Do you not hear it?
The screams behind my laughter?
The sobs beneath the flirting?
Music box, wound too tight.
Porcelain doll, with a brain of tin.
I've been shattered so many times.
You can see where I've been put back together.
And I'm still wrong.
But still they come to dance.
So I dress myself in pretty paint and lace.
I play the part.
Masquerade.
The fact that anybody would choose me when I show myself
is beyond my grasp.
So I don't let them see.
Until it's too late.
And then I shatter once more.
One alone has picked up my pieces.
One alone has believed in the Mad Hatter's daughter.
One alone took my hand.
But because I cannot see Him,
cannot feel Him,
sometimes I doubt,
and wonder if I'm just simply crazy.
That what comes to me is all in my head,
and there are no visions from Him,
directions from Him,
empathy towards His children.
Or is it because I am insane that I can have these things?
I am not sure.
But still the spark of faith remains.
He kept me alive when I had nothing left.
So be it insanity, or be it a God who loves me,
I will cling to hope.
I hold onto the Lord,
even when I feel invisible,
even when I wander away,
even when I am betrayed.
The wisdom of God seems foolish to Mankind.
But I am a fool indeed.
God is my anchor.
Despite whatever you make think or feel about me,
I know that it is my madness that keeps me needing God before all else.