To Dream

A dream that another dreams.
I feel it.
I see it.
I believe in it.
I absorb it.
But it is not my dream.
And no matter how hard I fight to live out their dreams,
they are not my dreams.
We are made different ways.
Allowed to dream different dreams.
Some dreams are born inside us,
remaining even when we push them aside.
Other dreams are inspired.
But when another's dream is placed upon someone,
forced on,
or accepted through fear, or obligation, or belief,
or even misunderstanding,
That's when the problem starts.
I believed in a good thing.
I wanted a dream for my own.
So I set out to meet the standards I saw before me,
I did what I thought was expected of me.
But it was not enough.
I was living a lie.
To myself. To how God made me.
I had dreamed, but it was not mine.
But how was I to know?
I did not know myself, who I am,
so naturally I pursued another's dream instead of my own.
Got ideas into my head on how to live.
But all I was doing was surviving.
Not living.
In not being true to the person God is forming me into
I was smothering myself, my dreams, and God's design.
But then, I woke up.
I put aside my old way of living,
and began to dream again,
My worries replaced by hope,
the shadows chased away.
I was renewed.
I am starting over.
Although I know the path ahead is narrow
and I am prone to wander off,
and things will be difficult now and again,
I am ready.
I am excited to begin anew.

Everything Ends (a new year's resolution)

Everything ends,
But then there are beginnings.
Everything dies,
But only to step aside for new life.
We endure pain because we carry hope.
Laughter comes quick to those who grieved.
Everything ends,
But it seems we can begin again.
We must let go to start over.
Everything ends,
But we can move on.
Exhale to inhale.
Loss to gain.
How many times did I die, only to find I live again?
Down through the valley to climb the mountain.
Season upon season.
The phoenix, slain by a dagger of ice,
Rose up on high in fury,
Only to slowly die again upon the snow.
Now the flame has returned.
And the determination the fly through the storm has come.
Everything ends.
So I will take the grief, pain, and loss when they come again.
They ended before.
When they return they will end again.
So while I have my joy I will embrace it.
While I have my loved ones I will embrace them.
A time is coming when they will depart.
And I cannot hold them close.
And I will be forced to make new friends, new comrades.
To love again.
Everything ends.
But I do not know when anything will end.
So while I have, while I live, while I belong,
I will breathe.
I will take in every moment.
Before it ends.
While I await when time itself will end,
And the One who once declared that everything ends,
Decrees that nothing shall end ever again,
I will live.
No turning back.
And I will end.
And I will begin again.
Everything ends,
So I will fill every page to the end.

Never Enough

"Express your hurt, share your pain."
So I did.
Opened up, stayed vulnerable.
That's what I did.
They welcomed me, they prayed for me.
But that was not enough.
They told me I was wanted, they showed me I was loved.
And still it was not enough.

Like a child I am kept in the dark.
And like a child my insatiable desire to know is left unquenched.
My feelings of acceptance closely tied to the expression of hidden truths.
Yes I express out of desire to be known.
But I feel betrayed when those I share with remain distant from me.
Drama unfolds around me, I remain oblivious.
Many wish they could share my pure naivete.
"How can you be so innocent in the eye of the storm?"

My friends shield me, believing they are protecting me.
Little do they know that the darkness slips through their armored walls,
Trickles past their feet.
I see it, I feel it. And I do not understand.
Do they think that by sparing me the pain of sharing their burdens,
That I can continue smiling?
How do they not see that the agony of seeing someone suffer,
Catching merely glimpses, sensing only passing moments,
Is so much greater than when they tell me the why's to their secrets -
Secrets that everyone but me seems to know.
Am I still an outsider?

Am I a fragile little one that they never want to see cry?
My parents shared with me many things.
They gave me their trust even though I didn't deserve it.
My God gave me love even though I didn't deserve it.
So why do I feel so troubled by my friends hiding things from me?
I grow weary of dancing in the masquerade.
Am I impatient for people to open up to me? Yes.
Am I eager for affection? Sure.
Do I struggle with achieving a sense of loyalty from people? Of course.

My ultimate desire is unity, oneness.
It has manifested itself in many ways -
I wanted friends, but shallow hellos and interactions was never enough.
I always needed more.
I sought a lover, but his affection was never enough.
I always wanted more.
I cultivated connections so I received different needs from different people,
But still those friendships did not sustain me.
It still lacked a depth and richness that I could not reach.

And I sought love from God. Over and over again.
He always calmed the fear, gave me comfort and hope.
Every time I received healing, I would venture out again.
But then I would always return, in pain and despair,
Crying in the arms of Jesus, begging to go Home.
And He would hold me, replenishing what I had lost.
But the same Love that renews me,
Is the Love that tells me to remain,
To reach out again.
To keep going out, keep trying.

This is His joy, this is His pain.
This Love, that desires oneness.
I do not deserve to know secrets.
It is not my place to demand to know.
But the desire remains.
And it is not wrong.
It is God's wish that we be one in His Name.
But we are imperfect humans, dwelling on a cursed world.
Anything good I receive while I live here in exile
Will never be enough.

Not until the day God's promise of finality is fulfilled.
So while I live here, this sensation of Pariah,
This longing for more,
The pain of the outcast,
Will remain.
But this need will move me forward,
To reach out to those who have yet to hear and receive the Promise.
To tell the world to cry, "We await, oh pursuing God.
Come Jesus come."