Too Much

Too insecure, too bold.
Too soft, too loud.
Too needy, too strong.
Staying with the ebb and tide,
Unsatisfied with the status quo.
Too conforming, too demanding.
Too forward, too concealing.
Too sensitive, too apathetic.
On fire but exhausted,
So lonely but so proud.

Boxes, cages, little labels.
Rules, laws, little expectations.
We are humanity.
We like to be in charge of our destinies,
Control our lives.
We want perfection,
We desire happiness.
But we do it wrong.
We only want so much of this and so much of that.
And sometimes you are extreme for me.
And sometimes my not enough is still too much for you.
Can only take so much.
So we draw out lines and use cookie cutters.
Demanding of ourselves and everyone around us -
"Fit this standard.
Mold or you don't belong.
Yield or you are a sinner."
Some of us like to play the victim,
some the prosecutor,
some the judge,
but we are all the guilty one.
We demand ways of life.
Either on ourselves or on others.
Those who demand of us hurt us.
Those who demand of themselves are hurt.
We who demand of us hurt us.
We who demand of others hurt them.
"Too much! Too much!" We are all screaming.
But 'intense' and 'faint' are both a part of life.
Sometimes a whisper is needed, sometimes a shout.
It has always been too much or not enough with humanity.
Are we so self centered that we cannot understand a simple truth -

You are who you are,
I am who I am,
Sometimes I am too much for you,
sometime you are too much for me.
But I promise you this:
If I respect you and you respect me,
If you let me live and I let you be,
If live one way and you another,
If the vegan gal is okay with me eating bacon around her,
While I do not berate her choices though they seem extreme to me,
(and this was only one example)
Then though we may never find equilibrium while on this earth,
at least we can abide together,
and learn and grow in life,
Intense together.
Uniquely beautiful.
Give me hot or give me cold.
Be too much.

Hope (A Verbal Painting)

A lone candle...burning in a dark room...its light beckoning you to stand in the rays of its tiny flame.
A trickle of water...splashing droplets over a trellis into a dry stone jar...a dipper ladle waiting on the edge for you to take it up and taste.
A beam of sunlight...peeking through the mountains...dawn's ray caressing your cheek after a sleepless night.
A warrior...battle scarred...returning home to beloved family.
A destitute child...body worn and hungry...looking up at you with smiling eyes...happy to be alive.

The flame blown out.
The rain stops too soon.
The day doesn't last.
The warrior has to leave for another war.
The child falls ill.

The shadows draw close.
The ground dries and dust fills the air.
Nightmares claim the night.
Fear grips the warrior.
The child cannot breathe.

An ember.
A droplet.
A glimmer.
A song.
A breath.

And then you see it.

Flames and Water and Light and a Dove and Wind.

The Spirit.

Bringer of Hope.

A Unique Bloom

     I walk through a garden, filled with many blooms. Each flower grows in its time and in its beauty. Unique. I make my way down the path, passing by life after life, beauty after beauty. Some draw my eye quickly, some I have to take care not to pass without giving them at least some recognition. Wish I had the many lifetimes' worth to give equal care to all and get to truly appreciate each one. But in my imperfection as a human, I have missed so many along the way. Only the Gardener can see to them all.
     But every once in a while, one flower will stand out in my vision, seeming to be right in front of me, capturing my full attention. What is this rarity? I ask myself. Why do I find myself so focused? I worried that I would reach out and touch the fragile petals gracing the heavy stem and possibly ruin the blossom before me. I feared I might hurt myself on the thorns. And then I grew concerned that my attention may be growing too singular, my admiration of this exquisite creation too strong.
     I longed to dig up the bloom and take it with me, unlike simply taking a single petal of remembrance to preserve as I have done with a good portion before. Or to become rooted myself and to stay beside that lovely flower. For who was I to know that I would ever come across one like this or better than this unique one? I fearfully kept myself at arm's length, wanting to let myself love and not just appreciate for a time. Only the Gardener would know where my path would lead.
    
     This is not actually about flowers.

     This is about my life and my interactions with fellow humans. Recently I had several very emotionally vulnerable moments with someone. I'm extremely grateful God put that person there right when I needed it most. As I heard only an hour or two ago, "It doesn't take very long for you to know you've met someone special." But I've started to question what that role of that person is in my life. Am I only to hold loosely, for my fellow human will most assuredly leave in time and I may never see that face, hear that voice, and enjoy that company and friendship ever again? Or am I free to clasp those hands and hug that person with joy and without hesitation for I have found a friendship I can keep?
     This is nothing new. It's just harder this time around because I recognize potential - certain possibilities that were not there with the other friendships I have grown to trust and cherish simply because they are married, in a relationship, or not my type. The struggle, though still there, is far less intense when the possibilities aren't there. Do I have a crush? No. Any time those feelings arise I cut them down. Yes there is the possibility for something more, but I don't want to mess this friendship up by giving control over to something as fickle as feelings that come and go like the clouds in the sky.
     But enough about that. My concern is encouraging a friendship that won't last. A people person I may be, extroverted tendencies I may have, but the fact of the matter is I am so insecure, so unsure. I need God's guiding hand more and more every day.