So. I have a confession to make. I want someone to ask me out. I want a guy in my life who's more than a friend. I want to be on cloud nine all over again. I'm a die hard romantic. I love being swept off my feet, going dancing, coming up with cute silly things to say, do, buy just for "my man" and being treated like a princess. I...kind of? sort of?..."have my eye" on a couple of guys I'm slowly getting to know. I've flirted. I've hinted. Grrr, I've even offered to spend time with one of them (just short of asking him out) and tried to get the other to open up to me. Basically, all the tricks. Except one. Asking either of them out. I have yet to be brave enough to cross that line simply because I'm afraid of both of them being the "traditional" type who wants to do the asking. That and I think one of them has a girlfriend (not sure on that one though because he had never mentioned a girlfriend before and it was kind of a passing joke rather than a statement about a current girlfriend but I may be wrong and he actually has a girlfriend aaaaaand I think I'm over thinking it. Gaaaaah!).
Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. I'm also in need of friends. Especially in the guy department. Bros I can just hang out with and not get romantically involved. And I worry that if I do get bold enough to do the asking that it would scare a guy away from even being friends. I don't want that. I don't want to ruin the potential of a future awesome friendship for the chance of the possibility of the maybe having a relationship later.
See what I mean? I'm frustrated with myself. I've done "all the right stuff" and at the same time tried to prove that I also want to be friends. I'm the queen of mixed signals. Stuck going around and around, wondering this, hoping that, never really knowing for certain. Instead of trusting my gut with what I see in front of me I end up analyzing every little detail of every interaction and double guessing myself at every turn.
I am inclined to dream, to hope, to believe. I am also inclined to fear, to worry, to doubt. I am inclined to trust, to accept, to welcome. I am also inclined to analyze, to question, to be cautious. Being human, I am emotionally inclined. It's my nature. And yet I cannot trust my emotions. They are far too dangerous. And at the same time, it has been my analytical logical side that has gotten me in more emotional trouble than my own emotions.
I long to share my joy, my enjoyment of discovery and love of life. I want to share my passions and my gifts. But at a price that each who gets to know me, friend or relationship, must weigh for themselves and decide whether I am worth trusting, loving, keeping around. All must evaluate the sides of me that are incapable of serving others. All who see past the spunky smiling me that I show everyone must choose whether or not what they see is worth it. It is easy for people to love me for who I am - my joy, my serving attitude, my giving nature. It is hard for people to love me despite of who I am - my neediness, my emotional weaknesses, my wandering eyes.
Time and again I have been rejected because of my flaws and blamed for other people's problems. That's why I'm so nervous to make the first move. I don't want to gain again, only to lose again. I want the guarantee that I can have that best friend who won't walk away from me. Whether he chooses me as his girl or ends up married to someone else but still stays great friends with me. As long as there is someone I can rely on. That's what I want in the end. There are people rely on me that I hope understand that I am imperfect but trust me still the same. Why can't I have someone that I can rely upon the same way?
Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. I'm also in need of friends. Especially in the guy department. Bros I can just hang out with and not get romantically involved. And I worry that if I do get bold enough to do the asking that it would scare a guy away from even being friends. I don't want that. I don't want to ruin the potential of a future awesome friendship for the chance of the possibility of the maybe having a relationship later.
See what I mean? I'm frustrated with myself. I've done "all the right stuff" and at the same time tried to prove that I also want to be friends. I'm the queen of mixed signals. Stuck going around and around, wondering this, hoping that, never really knowing for certain. Instead of trusting my gut with what I see in front of me I end up analyzing every little detail of every interaction and double guessing myself at every turn.
I am inclined to dream, to hope, to believe. I am also inclined to fear, to worry, to doubt. I am inclined to trust, to accept, to welcome. I am also inclined to analyze, to question, to be cautious. Being human, I am emotionally inclined. It's my nature. And yet I cannot trust my emotions. They are far too dangerous. And at the same time, it has been my analytical logical side that has gotten me in more emotional trouble than my own emotions.
I long to share my joy, my enjoyment of discovery and love of life. I want to share my passions and my gifts. But at a price that each who gets to know me, friend or relationship, must weigh for themselves and decide whether I am worth trusting, loving, keeping around. All must evaluate the sides of me that are incapable of serving others. All who see past the spunky smiling me that I show everyone must choose whether or not what they see is worth it. It is easy for people to love me for who I am - my joy, my serving attitude, my giving nature. It is hard for people to love me despite of who I am - my neediness, my emotional weaknesses, my wandering eyes.
Time and again I have been rejected because of my flaws and blamed for other people's problems. That's why I'm so nervous to make the first move. I don't want to gain again, only to lose again. I want the guarantee that I can have that best friend who won't walk away from me. Whether he chooses me as his girl or ends up married to someone else but still stays great friends with me. As long as there is someone I can rely on. That's what I want in the end. There are people rely on me that I hope understand that I am imperfect but trust me still the same. Why can't I have someone that I can rely upon the same way?
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