Whew! It's been crazy!
Well, my son is two months old now (8 weeks, not two months to the day - that's next week). Needless to say, I've been a little overwhelmed with it all.
October 6th, I went to my OB appointment, got diagnosed with preeclampsia, and was induced later that day. My kiddo was born at 38 weeks - early but not too early.
Labor was long due to it being an early induction - nearly 23 hours but I will say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Painful? Yes. But the pain had purpose behind it so it was easier to endure than I feared it would be. About 12 hours into labor I asked for an epidural just because I knew labor was going to be some time longer and I wanted to sleep to have energy to push once my baby was crowning. The staff during my labor and delivery were wonderful and when it came time to push, it happened so fast.
And suddenly he was on my chest. He was small, but he was perfect. My little, beautiful baby.
What more can I tell you? The first few days were rough - the hospital wanted him in the nursery under these blue lights (think they were called bilirubin lights) for his jaundice and all I wanted was to go home and for him to never leave my side so that was heartbreaking for me. Also what was hard was them taking to many blood draws from his tiny body. It left me very upset and untrusting of others which I am still struggling with to this day.
After that it was figuring out this little human. His needs, his growth. My world revolved around him. So small, so helpless, but he was mine. The love I had for him while pregnant grew exponentially once he was born. I had an idea how intense my love would be, but I didn't know for sure until it happened.
So now my days are filled with diaper changes, feedings, and naps. For me on most days I'm running on fumes from being so sleep deprived, my jaw is in pain from bruxism at night (clenching my jaw from stress in my sleep), and my hormones only just recently have settled down from pregnancy.
I am learning to be patient with a human who is not yet old enough to understand the concept of waiting. I am not a patient person, so this has been quite the challenge. I am also learning to know when to rely on my partner when I'm at my wits end and when to be the strong one for him when he is stressed.
But something I have found so crazy - I have never been happier. Even with my not-so-pleasant pregnancy, the stress of being responsible for another human, and not having a clue what my life will be like in the future. Yet I know this is where I am meant to be.
It may sound insane, but it's true. For most of my life I was constantly praying to God: "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do with my life?" I felt listless, like a wanderer with no path. But when I found out I was pregnant, everything changed.
In that moment, I was scared but determined. And I chose to love my baby. That's why I love him now. Not from any chemical, biological bond between mother and child. It only serves to reinforce what was already there: Love. Pure, unflinching, unapologetic Love. A gift given me by God. A love for life and humanity. A love I had everywhere I went - social life, work, home. I still remember the names and faces of those I served - those I served out of the Love that lives within me. Friends, neighbors, coworkers, customers. My life was dedicated to living out Love. Despite my mistakes. Despite my unworthiness. Despite flaws in myself and others, the Love pushed me forward. And it compelled me to choose the life of my kid over my fear of pregnancy and fear of commitment. In that moment, I chose Love, and eight months later in the moment that he was placed on my chest and he looked up at me, that Love rewarded my choice with a mother's love and joy.
And now my new journey begins.