Struggles of the Heart

Fear. Trembling, unsure.
What has happened to me?
I once walked with the pride like that of noble birth.
The confidence of the beloved.
The assurance of my life in my hands.
But I placed my heart on my sleeve
And fell in love with what I ought not.
When I was rescued and the scar healed,
I knew then of my weakness.
And sought a wall of protection.
I placed cords across my heart.
No more. I said.
No more will I let my love be taken.
No more will I listen to deception.
But that's the thing.
How do I know?
Who do I trust?
I know my weakness.
I know I will love again.
But when is that time?
How am I to know?
Would loving again heal the scars?
Or would the betrayal I fear cause a deeper wound?
Oh, would I know my destiny.
To see all the twists and turns in the path before me.
And yet it is all or nothing.
To stay safe and lose an opportunity,
an opportunity that might be what's been waiting for me.
Or to risk it all for one final hope.
All or nothing.
I don't like it.
I'm not a risk taker.
I like to play it safe.
But is it not what I prayed for?
I'm an absolute in a world of middle ground.
I see black and white when all around me is grey.
I sing and smile to the world,
But will I blow kisses to the wind?
I live to impact other lives.
What if mine needs a change now?
But I recoil from the thought.
I don't want any more pain.
But love isn't love until you give it away.
I face the world.
They see me smile.
They do not know who I was before,
they do not know the battle inside me.
Do I make myself vulnerable once more?
I want to reach out again.
But you play with fire and you will burn.
I have the scars to prove it.
I glance across the table.
And our eyes meet.
To see welcome and love behind those eyes,
what would I give?
My own.
A smile is for everyone.
A kiss for those close to me.
And love? For one.
But I struggle to contain what I've clutched so tight.
Do I take the leap?
Do I let go?
Will I fall or will I fly?
Pray God there will be strong wings beneath me if I step over the ledge.
I bear the struggles of the heart.

Green

     Did you ever walk through a garden and pause to think instead of the variety rather the similarities? Almost every plant on Earth is green. Green because of something called chlorophyll in the cells of the plant. Incredible. A biologist would tell you down to minute detail the reason behind the green, but I'll make the simple out of the complex. There is a uniformity to this world. So much green.
     Speaking of this world, I find it interesting that they call Earth the Blue Planet. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's because there's so much water that when you back away from Earth it looks blue. Being that green is my favorite color, I much would have preferred it be called the Green Planet. And why not? How many planets out there have life, let alone so much foliage?
     When a child paints the bottom strip of his paper green, everyone automatically assumes it means grass. The green beneath our feet. Green has also been associated with life. Trees are especially common in myths and logos about life. When a plant dies it loses its green and slowly turns to grey and dust. Makes me wonder if the same would be said of us if we humans came in green.
     Some rather funny things about calling people green. Call someone a green thumb and you're calling him a gardener or one who likes to garden. Call someone a green worker (or apprentice, as the older phrase was) and you're calling him ignorant and inexperienced. Tell someone he looks green and you're saying he looks sick, unhealthy. Talk about green politicians and you would mean environmentalists. A bit confusing if you ask me.
     Did you notice where green is in ROY G. BIV? Yep, in the middle. Green is the center of the visible light spectrum. And you know what else? Everybody looks great in grass. Try it. Have your friend take a picture of you in the grass. (And hope your friend's a good photographer.) That and green can go with any other color. Take a regular green and a color wheel and spin it. And then change the tone of the green. See?
     Lime green. Neon green. Bright. Cheery. Bold.
     Dusty green. Soft. Foresty. Implies a summer's day just before the autumnal color change.
     Green. Plant green. Happy green. An overall pleasing color.
     Dark green. Royalty. Dead of winter. Evergreen.
     Green is the new black. Go out and wear green. And not just on St. Patrick's Day, okay?

Who Am I?

     I know I've talked about this before. But this is something I've been learning for quite some time now and it still impacts me.
     We live in a world of social media. So many methods of communication and keeping in touch with others. We can connect with the whole world. And every mistake you make can be broadcasted across our space and getting it removed and forgotten is harder than ever. So what do we do? We build walls.
     We develop ways of hiding ourselves. We wear a mask, smiling, nodding, pretending like everything's alright. Our deepest secrets we bury inside ourselves and hope no one comes our way to break down our self-made cage.
     Because that is what it is. My Hero spent his life on Earth with no cage, no walls, no mask. Said, "This is who I AM." Are we not to do the same? Are we not loved for who we are? Then why do we compare ourselves to others, hiding the imperfections and differences?
     Even I still do this. I should know better. But I still find myself trying to compare with others, to measure up to others. Asking myself, "What do they think of me? Have I done enough or gone too far?"
     We fear being unloved. We fear the pain of rejection. As a Christian there's another level added to that. To be told "I don't want your Jesus" hurts. A lot. And I started to question myself whether I actually believed what I did. I started to question my insanity and if it was worth it. Looking around I started to compare myself with those around me. Those who denied Jesus and used The Name as a curse word seemed to have it better than me. They knew who they were.
     Then I watched a coworker go through a relationship faster than I thought possible. She was so happy and in love and then it faded so fast. And she questioned everything too. Then she asked me why I was so happy all the time. Everywhere I turned people were telling me this. I was called cute, spunky, energetic, a rock star, twinkle toes, Cinderella, happy. They envied me. What did I have that they didn't?
     Nothing. Nothing except...my Everything.
     Even if I lost all my possessions, my home, my family, my friends, my health, I would still have my Everything. My I AM. God loves the whole world. I was only different from them in the fact that I took God's Love and ran with Him, my hand in His scarred hand. Who knew a Wound like that would meaning healing for my own? I am filled to overflowing with the love of God. And that love that forgave my sin set me free. Free to become the person God wants me to be. To stop comparing myself to others and stand up and say, "I know who I am."
     Joy may not be a great sounding name, but the meaning sums me up nicely. It is the tears of happiness when I'm singing to God. It is the smile across my face that came up out of nowhere and I haven't a clue why I'm smiling. It's the peace looking at the sunset or standing quietly on the mountaintop. It's the rush of riding river rapids or looking over the Grand Canyon. This is who I am.
     Has God shown you who you are?