Undone

Undoing it. Will I ever be rid of all of it?

I don't think that should be the focus.

In the process, in the change, in the growth,

I had to face myself. 

And in so doing, lost "my place."

And now that I stand between these two hills,

and watch friends on either side declare they will die there,

I don't want to move despite the pulling from them.

I no longer want to fit in. I want to belong.

But neutrality has consequences too.

For if they see my lack of enthusiasm against the other sect,

They will brand me a flake or worse a traitor.

Why can there not be peace?

Are humans really that intent on always being right?

Light, Life, and Love are my foundation.

I'm undoing the need to be right.

Because the "right" way was mixed up with "sideways."

Two steps forward, on step back.

Sideways and slantways and upside down.

No wonder when I dreamed I couldn't figure out which way was up.

Where is the line between opinions and beliefs?

The difference between old truth and new?

I did not come to save the awakened ones.

I'm here to help the sleepwalkers.

And they are in both camps.

I didn't see it before, but I do now.

Zombies on one side, Zealots on the other.

And I stand in a valley of bones.

We need a revival. A message from on high.

A unmistakable voice to bring us all to our knees then raise us to our feet.

Bring the Zombies to life and chastise the Zealots.

Show them all the Peace That Passes Understanding.

Show them the downfall of the self-righteous.

Undoing the desire to be right.

Undoing the need to be correct.

I humble myself. I know nothing.

I live to serve Life and its Author.

Omnipotent One, give me the voice to awake the sleepers,

the heart to love them all, and the humility to call Your Name.

I am Undone.

Happy Birthday Finn

Happy birthday Finn.

My little baby boy.

What a crazy year it's been.

A year ago I pushed you out of my body and out into the big big world. You were so tiny, so helpless. But you were mine. My own little one. And look at you now.

Starting to walk (with some help). Starting to talk (is that Klingon or Ewok?).

Eating everything within reach (and yet throwing it on the floor too).

When you were born you were oh so little and wow how you grew!

My love for you grew like a bubble inside me when I found out you were there and how it fills me up even now. It has changed, grown with you, smiled with you, cried with you.

My baby has become a toddler, and soon one year will become two.

I cannot wait to see the future you!

To see you walk on your own, hear you speak words.

Then the walking becomes running, words to sentences.

I loved you this past year, watching you go from a little wrinkly toothpick of a newborn to a smiley, chill three month old, then trying new food six month old, to chunky, toothy, giggly nine month old and now my beautiful bubbly wobbly one year old.

I don't feel like I have much more to say. I say it all to you while you're awake so trying to say more while you aren't here to listen is hard. But I write this to you in the hopes that one day you'll get to read it (and maybe cherish it).

I love being your mom, even in the hard moments. But those hard moments remind me that we're both human - you just barely begun with so much in store and me at 26 and still learning. I'm so happy to be your mom and you my dear baby (sorry, toddler).

Even when words fail me, I will always say this: I love you. Always.

Wasn't Supposed To

I wasn't supposed to date people of other religions

I wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage

I wasn't supposed to like it

I wasn't supposed to get pregnant

I wasn't supposed to get married to him

But here I am

And I couldn't be happier.

I wasn't supposed to be a "drama queen"

I wasn't supposed to be rebellious

I wasn't supposed to choose my own path

I wasn't supposed to be impatient

I wasn't supposed to "throw my life away"

Then how come

I feel like I'm fulfilling a part of my purpose?

I'm breaking the cycle

In bad ways and good ways

I will not be like you - who made me believe

That I had to be a certain way

The woman I am today

Is so much stronger and more aware

I'm now a mother

A mama bear

And I will defend my life and my child

I wasn't supposed to be a matriarch

I wasn't supposed to be so assertive

I wasn't supposed to stand in front

I wasn't supposed to call the shots

I wasn't supposed to change the narrative

But here I am

And I choose respect over fear

I'm breaking the cycle

In bad ways and good ways

I will not be like you - who made me believe

That I had to be a certain way

The woman I am today

Is so much kinder and less naïve

I'm now a mother

A she-wolf

And I will defend my life and my child